Memory in silence, and drawing to a close

So today was reminiscense, of a few beginnings, and several ends that weren't quite endings... that probably should have been.

Ah well, its drawn to a close... I pray.

Thank you...

Waiting for something, but I'll wait and watch for I know that its no longer mine to choose.

Ah man, absolutely nothing to do all day; easy to get lost in your memories when you're all that exists, or you centre your world with everything else going on around you... Not so easy when everyone wants you to be a part of their own little something... Can't wait to go back tomorrow just for the sake of drawing a few more breaths of fresh air than this.

Stroke of midnight...

Whilst I've got a moment to spare, I think I'll plan...

• Ask AP bout Monday... hoping... :)
• Figure out finance tracks (G u really gotta freeze your lavish cravings for "products", bro)
• Request confirmation on rendezvous plans with... AB, Im, the 2Ks, G, and I think thats about it.
• Plan out trip times, tickets, routes etc...
• Contact eBay sellers.
• Contact the offices of all the institutions that I need to untangle myself from the messes I've created... and put on the charade best as I can...

Wish me luck... and for those of you who can, pray... not that the charade succeeds in and of itself, but that the circumstances serve the purpose of teaching me something...

I've really gotta stop being such a lean-on character...

Oh yeah, get to see Thanga today, more comp dirty work :D Well, hopefully it fits in with Hamilton return plans... we'll see.

Don't know about church tomorrow, but I'll make it somehow. Need it way more than I've ever realized... Need You more than I've ever realized...

And I just realized how scattered all of this is... I think its because I've kept aiming towards finishing this, but... yeah, lol.

Some things on my mind I shoud say now too.. (for those of you who are reading, might be a drag, so feel free to skip, lol)...

Don't really know about any of you, but ever wondered what leads us to the paths we pick for our futures? Maybe, maybe not?, Well think about this...

When we first begin to imagine what it is we want to do with the rest of our lives (and I'm discounting the early years when our favourite TV show hero was the preferred career/life goal), its the point where we really consider everything that the world has to offer... Yet within a split second of us glancing the wide array of choices in the world around us, the blocks start to come into place... Blocks placed by social norms, circumstances of growth, parental influences, friends' influences, etc... While the appearance of some of these blocks may be quick, some of it might be over time. With each progressing moment, a fewer number of these doors are left open for your choice. Yet our conscious minds don't fight to free the ones that are covered; the only dilemma that exists is choosing between the ones that ARE available. Even though in some cases the subconscious might win through, more often than not it doesn't succeed... rarely does it even break through to conscious realization. Ultimately, our path of least resistance ends up being what we become, in terms of our careers at least, and maybe in our lifestyles too. We may end up fighting for one of those choices in the end, but in most cases, it would probably be just in choosing one of the slightly deviant ones out of the doors left open... Perhaps to merely satisfy the rebel within us?

I realize that this must seem vague beyond belief, so here's my example...

I've always loved anything with a motor, particularly cars. I've also had a fascination with all aircraft. Yet, when I began to realize what the outside world held, I couldn't hold it all for more than a moment... Those doors appeared... for, upon any degree of serious consideration, even at that point, would I want to work as a garbage collector? A toll-booth attendant? A factory worker? Hence a lot of these smaller jobs were already beginning to be sealed off in my mind. As time went on, my parents, teachers, mentors, they all pointed me towards a goal by praising me, pointing out my strengths, moving me past my "weak areas" (academically), and so on and so forth. Hence, when it came down to it, I had my career choices all 'figured-out' when it came to choosing my higher-education options. My choices were mechanical engineering (or a technical variation thereof), doctor (my rebel choice, according to mother) and theologist (father's preferred tack). I attempted entering a track towards medical school, but mother wasn't for it, so I decided to please her and picked the engineering option. And then, post-secondary ed...

What I found interesting about university is that it amplifies the door concept. Guaranteed, they are to be considered places of higher learning... but lets be real, how many take the ivory-tower image to mind when choosing to enter university? To most, as it was/is to me, it is merely a step in career-furthering. I merely find it ironic that, at the end of the day, university still works with only those open doors, maybe opening a couple more in a similar vein, but leaving those that were firmly shut as they were. True, they do offer you the choice of not continuing, but how often does one allow oneself to take that choice? But I digress..

Something I believe I should've mentioned a while back: i was brought up in a conservative household with some set values on what the prescribed path of life should be for one up until around 25 years of age... university and the gaining of a degree being that final section. Any other path would be bordering on, if not be a declaration of, outright blasphemy. Lol.

On this note, a continuation of my story...

Through my own stupidities, I got myself on the borderline, where I was forced to consider other options... It was then that I revisited some of these locked doors and took a peak... as to a career path, a life choice... what was to stop me from obtaining a decent trade skill diploma or something that would allow me to earn some $$ in the outside world? Its a question I'm still asking...

Considering this... and revisiting my idea about how we're brought up... in my mind it seems like there's a double standard of sorts to this... Honing our skills to be used in the best possible way? Perhaps... Limiting our choices so we pick the already-decided ones? A weird train of thought...

So it raises the question... who's ultimately in charge of controlling all these choices? A preset mechanism? An active body? Or truly a collective mind capable of harmony and of creating a world of suitables and unsuitables?

If the founders of our cities didn't prescribe 'classes' of workers, would we be living as we do now? What would happen to garbage disposal? sewage disposal? etc...

Just think about it, and see if you can follow my mind... random as it seems...

... And I do believe I am in need of some rest now... I've stretched this over 2 and a half hours, and have let go and retake my train of thought at several points along this piece; I'm sure it doesn't flow, but I can't fix it... I don't know how to... any questions? please feel free to ask, or to leave a comment...

I am dead tired from doing nothing:S Hmm I wonder why... i gotta finish this...

Signing off,

Whispered Screams...