Just a couple things I feel like mentioning right now.
AP... I miss you beyond belief. Not being able to hear your voice each morning isn't difficult. Hard, but bearable. Not being able to speak every single thing on my mind and have you tell me things are alright, or that you'll help me make them so.. is.
Yet maybe its fear on my part.
Its not reliance.
Thank you D-girl. For everything. For that insanely long text, among others.
Tomorrow is going to be unfamiliar and maybe something new, maybe something in a sense of retrograde motion. I just want to take a few steps back and go on from there. Please give me that chance.
And then this picture...
I had this up on my display picture, courtesy of a friend who tried it, first for suicide, then for frustration, and then as a solution."At some point in your life, pain becomes more satisfying than gain..." He said that, and he made me wonder.
We try so hard for some things. We practically die for others. We sacrifice so much. Yet in the end that final result just doesn't seem to contain the sweetness we desire.
And so we do it, again and again, and yet again. The others walk over us, and we stand still... for in that sense of sacrifice there's no desire for revenge. Just the desire to be in that mindset. Its giving in to autonomy, and escaping to a twisted high that revels in pain yet wants no release from it. No, its not healthy. Yet its a sensation that, once we're in the grip of, is so hard to let go of.
And I know this... and I feel like I want it now.
I don't know.
I had a beautiful Wednesday. Maybe more so on this side than the other, but no matter. It was my choice to make it her day. Sorry for the stupidness. Hope I made you smile.
Listen to this...
Its somewhat definitive of what I feel for the world right now. Not everyone. Then again...
Happy Birthday to my friends BW and SG. Hope you guys have a blast on your 19ths. Miss you both. I'll make it up to you when I get a chance. I promise.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
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