Alright so I realize that this has been a LONG while, since I last posted.
The reasons for it are, well, numerous, but mostly it just boils down to not being able to formulate thoughts enough to put them into words, or these thoughts being just on a one-on-one level that being able to say them would've just resulted in a host of cryptic posts that get people calling me and asking "who what when where why how?".
And yes I do realize thats representative of SEVERAL of my earlier posts.
But regardless...
I've come to a realization. The things I wish for, the things I ask for, the things I basically want are the things that have caused me the most pain. Perhaps its an instant retribution for selfishness? Or perhaps its just that these things are the ones I can't seem to achieve however hard I try, only because I don't know how to, and I refuse the help of whoever is willing to extend that hand. The one-man mission is something that I know, in the past, has crashed and burned terribly. Thank God for the rescuing force I found in my angel.
And thank you all, this time, for helping me realize where I stand.
Silence that became oppressive is now solace, because there's music in it :).
I know that sounds cryptic, but its actually literal. There's a tune that lilts in and out of the mind when faced with silence when one knows every thing's alright.
Time that passes will pass as it must, its how we shape each moment that defines what it does to affect us in the future.
Here's to shaping for something beautiful.
The following is a song that one of my new friends showed me that seems to fit so much in my life. Its "Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Quirky name for a band, I know. They never released and official video for the song, so the following is a fanvid made using clips from Kingdom Hearts, a Square Enix game for the Sony Playstation. Its fitting, but a little confusing. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the song.
And again, thank you.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Your Guardian Angel Lyrics
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Till I post again (no promises this time, but it should be soon),
Whispers in Silence...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
A two-sided coin
Most of you have probably heard that there's two ways to look at something bad that has happened... positively or negatively. Well, that isn't true. At least it isn't for me, and I can't really fathom how it can be for anyone else. But no worries.
My views are that one can be either bitter about something negative... or one can merely be resigned to the occurrences. Either way is a coping mechanism, I guess. But until one of these stages have passed, one cannot move on past the event in one's own mind.
Two of these things happened to me within the last 16 hours. One I couldn't control, one I... guess I could've.
The first thing...
We were driving back to Hamilton, me and dad. Our car's broken down a couple times due to transmission issues. We had the tranny replaced following the second incident. However, it blew again, this time right inside Oakville. Our car is now totalled. And there isn't really much we can do about it, except get a new one, a tough choice to take considering how tightly finances are stretched as they were. Ah well. Can't exactly be bitter about this right? Considering it was a $700 transmission change though... My dad's now a bit of a nervous wreck. I just pray he's alright. He doesn't let things on too easily.
The second thing...
Last night, after we came back to Hamilton, I got to talking to AP. The conversation was comfortable, until she asked if I wanted to come see her. She then retracted that because, to her, it felt like a breach of loyalty to someone. It just stung more than a little because she said the same thing... a week ago, in different circumstances. So when given the choice, I took it, merely meaning it to be a short trip. For my luck, it wasn't. I tried to preserve whatever she wished for, but I guess I slipped. Hm. The words "get out" actually are capable of singeing one.
I promise to never step foot inside unless invited. Never on my choice.
Bitter? Resigned? Resigned I guess...
Bitterness takes too much energy, particularly when negativity is all that surrounds you.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
My views are that one can be either bitter about something negative... or one can merely be resigned to the occurrences. Either way is a coping mechanism, I guess. But until one of these stages have passed, one cannot move on past the event in one's own mind.
Two of these things happened to me within the last 16 hours. One I couldn't control, one I... guess I could've.
The first thing...
We were driving back to Hamilton, me and dad. Our car's broken down a couple times due to transmission issues. We had the tranny replaced following the second incident. However, it blew again, this time right inside Oakville. Our car is now totalled. And there isn't really much we can do about it, except get a new one, a tough choice to take considering how tightly finances are stretched as they were. Ah well. Can't exactly be bitter about this right? Considering it was a $700 transmission change though... My dad's now a bit of a nervous wreck. I just pray he's alright. He doesn't let things on too easily.
The second thing...
Last night, after we came back to Hamilton, I got to talking to AP. The conversation was comfortable, until she asked if I wanted to come see her. She then retracted that because, to her, it felt like a breach of loyalty to someone. It just stung more than a little because she said the same thing... a week ago, in different circumstances. So when given the choice, I took it, merely meaning it to be a short trip. For my luck, it wasn't. I tried to preserve whatever she wished for, but I guess I slipped. Hm. The words "get out" actually are capable of singeing one.
I promise to never step foot inside unless invited. Never on my choice.
Bitter? Resigned? Resigned I guess...
Bitterness takes too much energy, particularly when negativity is all that surrounds you.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Inspired
Some of you may relate to this... Sometimes there are people who appear in your life with a seemingly general purpose, not necessarily focused at you. Yet, somehow, what they say becomes something incredibly and almost perfectly focused at you, just you, and no one else.
I had that experience today... A visiting pastor at my church (yes, for those of you who didn't know, I am a Christian, and my home church is Scarborough Gospel Temple), Reverend Ivan Reynold, from Australia, spoke about what it is to be able to give even when you may think you have nothing to give. He spoke about faith, about what it truly means to help, about what sacrificing is NOT, and about what it is to be truly thankful.
... I really can't condense everything he said into something that will fit in a blog entry, but I am getting an audio copy of it next week. For anyone who wants to listen, do check back. Maybe it won't be as striking to you as it was to me. Heck, maybe it'll make you detest the fact that I am a Christian even more. But I've gotta try, right?
To everyone who's been reading my blog till now and responded, thank you... Its meant everything to me to be able to tell someone, anyone, in the most vauge, generalized words possible, what I'm going through. Thanks for finding out and helping me.
AP... 458 :) More than you'd believe...
Got too much going on around me right now, so I'll blog more later.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
I had that experience today... A visiting pastor at my church (yes, for those of you who didn't know, I am a Christian, and my home church is Scarborough Gospel Temple), Reverend Ivan Reynold, from Australia, spoke about what it is to be able to give even when you may think you have nothing to give. He spoke about faith, about what it truly means to help, about what sacrificing is NOT, and about what it is to be truly thankful.
... I really can't condense everything he said into something that will fit in a blog entry, but I am getting an audio copy of it next week. For anyone who wants to listen, do check back. Maybe it won't be as striking to you as it was to me. Heck, maybe it'll make you detest the fact that I am a Christian even more. But I've gotta try, right?
To everyone who's been reading my blog till now and responded, thank you... Its meant everything to me to be able to tell someone, anyone, in the most vauge, generalized words possible, what I'm going through. Thanks for finding out and helping me.
AP... 458 :) More than you'd believe...
Got too much going on around me right now, so I'll blog more later.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Fade...
Sorry for the extremely abrupt post last time around... I know its been just short of a month, but its been everything: a lack of being able to focus, some ups, some downs, some beginnings, some endings, and a whole lot of cycling through memories.
But I won't tell you all that now.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But for now, I won't.
For now, just know that my thoughts are like... confetti rained on the people at the closing ceremony of the Olympics.
Things are back to the way they once were, just with paths to the past that no one will ever tread again...
C'est lav vie...
Signing off,
Screams
But I won't tell you all that now.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But for now, I won't.
For now, just know that my thoughts are like... confetti rained on the people at the closing ceremony of the Olympics.
Things are back to the way they once were, just with paths to the past that no one will ever tread again...
C'est lav vie...
Signing off,
Screams
Friday, October 06, 2006
Silence
Alright I don't know how to go about this but... in simple terms... I messed up.
Thats all. I've got no options left.
I don't know what's gonna happen past this point, but I guess if you guys wanna stick around, go ahead.
I'll post again. Soon. And I mean that.
Till later,
Screams
Thats all. I've got no options left.
I don't know what's gonna happen past this point, but I guess if you guys wanna stick around, go ahead.
I'll post again. Soon. And I mean that.
Till later,
Screams
Friday, September 15, 2006
Rendezvous
So its been a while, I realize. School's insane hours, plus various things in between make it strange to go through a day with any time to even pen down a thought. Doesn't stop them flowing though...
I went back to something that I didn't really expect yet figured would come about at some point or the other. I didn't ask for it then, nor will I ask for it now. I only care that I get to have some time for it, in a twisted, singular manner. Ah well, that's life I guess.
Maybe I need to take a few more steps backwards.
To want or ask for someone to spend your time with, to have them want to spend their time with you, to share nothing and everything in individuality and togetherness, to have all that and want nothing else at all... is a dream.
Think about it. Cultural, religious, ethical and other such differences aside, we're a planet with a population of 6 billion. If you could ask one person to find the one they wished to share this with, how far would he/she go to find it? My guess? Not far. All this, just for the fact that, regardless of whether they want this or not, most people wouldn't place it too high on their list of goals for their lifetime, because really, who wants to spend a lifetime looking? Life's a big trading game, so why can't this just be looked at as a play card? Just play it when the time's right, in the most suitable circumstances. Doesn't hurt to hold a few extra in your hand while you're at it, eh? Just in case of... unforeseen issues.
What are the chances you'll find the one person who's willing to set forth every dream, every secret and every passion to share it with you?
One of my friends said that true love and marriage are, in a sense, the biggest compromise. Strange, isn't it? Even when it comes to "true" emotion, one must think in terms of the best deal procured.
Which collector was ever able to completely look past the high value of his "prized" possession and value it purely in and of itself? Would you pay $50,000 for a diamond-encrusted Rolex, and show it off to be just a beautiful watch? "Check out my new watch." "Its sweeeet! How much you pay for it?" There it begins. How do you think you'd respond? "50Gs cold hard cash.... (dollar signs in eyes)" or "Doesn't matter, I just bought it because it looked beautiful and I wanted it".
Pick an answer and there's your response.
Who would fight for love and put their life on the line for it? Something makes me think it takes two.
But hey, I've been wrong before. Then again, does such a thing as "wrong" exist when you choose a definition for your life and your mind and your "heart"?
A toast... to the trading game of life, where all that matters is the cards you hold... in every circumstance.
What would happen if it all just... stopped?
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
I went back to something that I didn't really expect yet figured would come about at some point or the other. I didn't ask for it then, nor will I ask for it now. I only care that I get to have some time for it, in a twisted, singular manner. Ah well, that's life I guess.
Maybe I need to take a few more steps backwards.
To want or ask for someone to spend your time with, to have them want to spend their time with you, to share nothing and everything in individuality and togetherness, to have all that and want nothing else at all... is a dream.
Think about it. Cultural, religious, ethical and other such differences aside, we're a planet with a population of 6 billion. If you could ask one person to find the one they wished to share this with, how far would he/she go to find it? My guess? Not far. All this, just for the fact that, regardless of whether they want this or not, most people wouldn't place it too high on their list of goals for their lifetime, because really, who wants to spend a lifetime looking? Life's a big trading game, so why can't this just be looked at as a play card? Just play it when the time's right, in the most suitable circumstances. Doesn't hurt to hold a few extra in your hand while you're at it, eh? Just in case of... unforeseen issues.
What are the chances you'll find the one person who's willing to set forth every dream, every secret and every passion to share it with you?
One of my friends said that true love and marriage are, in a sense, the biggest compromise. Strange, isn't it? Even when it comes to "true" emotion, one must think in terms of the best deal procured.
Which collector was ever able to completely look past the high value of his "prized" possession and value it purely in and of itself? Would you pay $50,000 for a diamond-encrusted Rolex, and show it off to be just a beautiful watch? "Check out my new watch." "Its sweeeet! How much you pay for it?" There it begins. How do you think you'd respond? "50Gs cold hard cash.... (dollar signs in eyes)" or "Doesn't matter, I just bought it because it looked beautiful and I wanted it".
Pick an answer and there's your response.
Who would fight for love and put their life on the line for it? Something makes me think it takes two.
But hey, I've been wrong before. Then again, does such a thing as "wrong" exist when you choose a definition for your life and your mind and your "heart"?
A toast... to the trading game of life, where all that matters is the cards you hold... in every circumstance.
What would happen if it all just... stopped?
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Friday, September 08, 2006
Somehow, this isn't my version of falling apart, nor is it an indication of forward motion. It may be limbo, for all I know. But then again, who does?
I don't know why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I feel, and why I ask the questions that I do. Words have immense impact on me, yet they manage to convey the sense that they're mere utterances of the vocal cords, apparent intent at times tangential to the purported aim. I'm no exception, so who's to judge my words?
I'm so sorry...
I'm frozen in something that I guess I don't really understand. I'm too tired. Definitions blur when one gets to this point.
I'm going back.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
I don't know why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I feel, and why I ask the questions that I do. Words have immense impact on me, yet they manage to convey the sense that they're mere utterances of the vocal cords, apparent intent at times tangential to the purported aim. I'm no exception, so who's to judge my words?
I'm so sorry...
I'm frozen in something that I guess I don't really understand. I'm too tired. Definitions blur when one gets to this point.
I'm going back.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Incomplete insanity
So for the past two weeks I've been working. I guess technically the work wasn't hard, but there's a certain element of... stress, I suppose, that goes into being responsible for thousands of dollars, for handling it, transporting it, ensuring customer satisfaction, having to face the screaming, suspicious, and/or sarcastic ones. Being afraid of being short some money is another thing. It either comes off your paycheque, or you get fired... and it comes off your paycheque. Heh... 15 days of it, and it was alright. Waking up at 5:30 AM each day, sometimes coming home at 9 PM, sometimes at 1 PM. Its over for now?
I started several posts. Not in type, but on paper. I started each one and wrote as far as time and circumstance allowed. I never continued each one from one day to the next. Each day I grasped something, I tried to write it down. When something interrupted, that idea was lost.
I've lost too much.
I'm tired.
I can't sleep.
I'm so scared to dream. I wish I had the strength to.
Its a new day fallen.
[So lost and disillusioned] {Blink 182 - Feeling This}
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
I started several posts. Not in type, but on paper. I started each one and wrote as far as time and circumstance allowed. I never continued each one from one day to the next. Each day I grasped something, I tried to write it down. When something interrupted, that idea was lost.
I've lost too much.
I'm tired.
I can't sleep.
I'm so scared to dream. I wish I had the strength to.
Its a new day fallen.
[So lost and disillusioned] {Blink 182 - Feeling This}
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Still...
Monday August 28th, 2006
Today was generally unremarkable in essense. The same old CNE job, there and back (I finished a little earlier today) and not much else. However, I did get to walk along Lakeshore/Queens Quay. Got to check out the predawn spot where I met some cool new people. Memories...
If you guys ever see this, you have my gratitude for rescuing my sanity, albeit temporarily.
Got to watch episode 2 of Prison Break today. Its on a different theme from the first season. I'll take my stance on it a little further on into the year. For now, I just want to watch the next episode. not much of a cliffhanger though.
New thoughts... these aren't creeds that I live by, nor are they pieces of advice I'm dishing out to anyone and everyone. Rather, they're just the thoughts that control what might be my life a little while from now. I don't know... I can't explain what exactly they are, but here they are.
Learn to live for your dreams alone. No, I don't mean you abandon every other goal in your life to pursue these dreams. I just mean this: at every chance you get, dream. Daydream. Dream at night. Every moment you get to yourself, create a world in your mind that contains no error, no reason for justification to yourself, nothing that makes you question your choice. Some people believe that everything comes at a price. If imagination and the ability to make oneself happy and self-satisfied were subjected to the same classification, I think we've lost all ability to remain individual. Regardless, create this dream for yourself. Don't try to make it come true, because if it fades you'll be destroyed beyond recovery, stranded on a path that has no direction. Instead, allow yourself to consciously and subconsciously set the stage for the dream, to create somewhere, some time, some point for that dream to come true. It isn't about a fulfillment, its about a continuous journey. Somehow we believe something without an end goal is useless. Untrue. If we had shortcuts to everything, we wouldn't live past 25, in all honesty. So just create the circumstance, for in that creation you'll find every memory to hold onto, every moment spent in joy and contentment, and it won't be an endless wait, for it'll be forever ongoing. Even if the dream doesn't become a reality, it won't matter, because you've managed to transform your world into something that's perfect for you. If it does come to pass, you can stop, smile, and dream again...
Keep dreaming... perfection, that is.
The following is a fan video featuring clips from the movie "Tuck Everlasting" set to the song 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. Its a beautiful song, but all the videos are copyrighted, and its hard to find a good copy. This video, however, goes along nicely. Listen to the end of it, if you will. Its a bit of a spoiler if you haven't watched the movie. Hope you enjoy it regardless.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Today was generally unremarkable in essense. The same old CNE job, there and back (I finished a little earlier today) and not much else. However, I did get to walk along Lakeshore/Queens Quay. Got to check out the predawn spot where I met some cool new people. Memories...
If you guys ever see this, you have my gratitude for rescuing my sanity, albeit temporarily.
Got to watch episode 2 of Prison Break today. Its on a different theme from the first season. I'll take my stance on it a little further on into the year. For now, I just want to watch the next episode. not much of a cliffhanger though.
New thoughts... these aren't creeds that I live by, nor are they pieces of advice I'm dishing out to anyone and everyone. Rather, they're just the thoughts that control what might be my life a little while from now. I don't know... I can't explain what exactly they are, but here they are.
Learn to live for your dreams alone. No, I don't mean you abandon every other goal in your life to pursue these dreams. I just mean this: at every chance you get, dream. Daydream. Dream at night. Every moment you get to yourself, create a world in your mind that contains no error, no reason for justification to yourself, nothing that makes you question your choice. Some people believe that everything comes at a price. If imagination and the ability to make oneself happy and self-satisfied were subjected to the same classification, I think we've lost all ability to remain individual. Regardless, create this dream for yourself. Don't try to make it come true, because if it fades you'll be destroyed beyond recovery, stranded on a path that has no direction. Instead, allow yourself to consciously and subconsciously set the stage for the dream, to create somewhere, some time, some point for that dream to come true. It isn't about a fulfillment, its about a continuous journey. Somehow we believe something without an end goal is useless. Untrue. If we had shortcuts to everything, we wouldn't live past 25, in all honesty. So just create the circumstance, for in that creation you'll find every memory to hold onto, every moment spent in joy and contentment, and it won't be an endless wait, for it'll be forever ongoing. Even if the dream doesn't become a reality, it won't matter, because you've managed to transform your world into something that's perfect for you. If it does come to pass, you can stop, smile, and dream again...
Keep dreaming... perfection, that is.
The following is a fan video featuring clips from the movie "Tuck Everlasting" set to the song 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. Its a beautiful song, but all the videos are copyrighted, and its hard to find a good copy. This video, however, goes along nicely. Listen to the end of it, if you will. Its a bit of a spoiler if you haven't watched the movie. Hope you enjoy it regardless.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Stellar...
So courtesy of the CNE, I have worked for the past 9 days continuously, leaving the house at 7 AM, rarely returning before 1 AM. And still it continuous. Sunday was my day off, and I've enjoyed it by doing... absolutely nothing. I'm still exhausted, and tomorrow I've gotta get back into this stride again.
Things that seemed to have momentum up until this point seemed to have just ceased activity, laying in wait for me to get them started again. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I suppose its a matter of focus, time and God knows what else.
Wow. That just seems so amazingly monotonous. But I can't seem to bring a stop to that tone, so I'll keep going for just a bit.
To everyone who I've turned silent on, I really apologize. I haven't had the time. For anything.
Work is a drag, yet emotionally strenuous. One never knows when one can get fired or not, and record-keeping with that high a volume of customers drains one. i've lost all ability to focus. I have to deal with short term memory loss. Its frustrating. But its only for a few more days. No regrets.
I saw a really good movie today, that perhaps some of you have seen. "I am Sam". A movie starring Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning. Its beautiful.
I'm blanking out. I'll pull my mind together again and post soon.
School in a few days. I have to sort that out too.
Here's another track that seems to provide some verbal definition to some aspects of my life. It can be a little graphic, so just a warning.
Musical note: Brilliant drumming.
Faders moving down...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Things that seemed to have momentum up until this point seemed to have just ceased activity, laying in wait for me to get them started again. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I suppose its a matter of focus, time and God knows what else.
Wow. That just seems so amazingly monotonous. But I can't seem to bring a stop to that tone, so I'll keep going for just a bit.
To everyone who I've turned silent on, I really apologize. I haven't had the time. For anything.
Work is a drag, yet emotionally strenuous. One never knows when one can get fired or not, and record-keeping with that high a volume of customers drains one. i've lost all ability to focus. I have to deal with short term memory loss. Its frustrating. But its only for a few more days. No regrets.
I saw a really good movie today, that perhaps some of you have seen. "I am Sam". A movie starring Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning. Its beautiful.
I'm blanking out. I'll pull my mind together again and post soon.
School in a few days. I have to sort that out too.
Here's another track that seems to provide some verbal definition to some aspects of my life. It can be a little graphic, so just a warning.
Musical note: Brilliant drumming.
Faders moving down...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Relativity...
Wednesday August 15th, 2006
I don't know what controls each day that goes past, but for me, I abandoned it to the wind about 2 months ago. And so I watch and wait, not in anticipation, but merely as an observer. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I cry, but I keep watching.
Well, a few updates, I guess.
Following the internet cafe thing, I headed back to my cousins' place, where we then hung out for a bit longer. After this, my uncle came home n told us we were heading to the Taste of the Danforth streed food festival. In short, it was brilliant! Just so colourful and packed. The food was awesome. The atmosphere was carefree and everyone smiled. I loved that. I got to carry my little cousin on my shoulders all around. He loved that, and it was a beautiful feeling. Got back to their place that night, and we all just collapsed into bed, exhausted.
Sunday, we were all late risers after two days of early mornings and late nights and super-exhausting days. Regardless, it was a more homely day, for the most part. It was beautiful in its own way. Then that evening, one of my cousins, TB, took us painballing. Now THAT was addictive fun. Round after round of pelting each other with paint-filled plastic shells, only some of which explode upon impact. Also worth mentioning are the number of said shells exploding on masks and, on one shot, ingesting a shell's worth of vegetable oil-based paint. Not too tasty, but ah well.
Came back to my own place and my own bed following that. I never realized how comfortable it was, but it was amazing. Another night of instant sleep.
Monday, me and AP and her brother headed to Fleet & Strachan for more jobhunting. We got mass-drafted, but ah well, its something, right?
Something I realized. Silence is retreat, but its a very lonely retreat. It takes too many steps in another direction from which its hard to reach anyone.
Please don't let this matter...
I managed to score a conditional something else, for which I was supposed to attend a preparation conference and then a general meeting today. I made it there, only to find out that the conference was moved to tomorrow. So I hung out with some of the others who came there, until the general meeting rolled around. They were cool; I'll see them on the job a lot, I guess. Interesting ethnic ratio our job is gonna have.
I met this one girl who gave me the strongest sense of deja vu. It was crazy. Nice person though. Managed to get herself on the nerve of the managers at the meeting, lol. I figure I met her a year or so ago, I just have no clue where. Annoying fleeting memories. I wish it were more photographic.
I wish each day that went past could bear a smile with it. I guess that wouldn't be life then, would it?
I don't know when I'm going to get off the back seat and become the one who drives my life. Soon, I suppose. I just need a sign of sorts. I'll wait.
To the someone from the past or the present, and to all those who need something to think about, cry about, hold onto someone for, here's a song thats made me wonder about a few things. Read the lyrics first, then scroll down to watch the video. There's an alternate mellower (and much nicer) version of it on the MSN video site. The link is under the video posted on my blog.
Band: Hedley
Song: Trip
Some say love is not for sinners
I believe that isn't true
'Cause when I was finished sinning
Love came down and showed me you
And you told me how to get there
So I tried to find a way
Then I ran into your garden
But I tripped out the gate
I tripped out the gate
What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you
Like a ton of bricks it hit me
And woke me from this dream
No matter how hard I tried to wash my hands
I could never get 'em clean
I could never get 'em clean
What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you
Can you hear me?
Cuz I can't change what I'll always be
Click here to go the MSN Video
I don't want to dream anymore...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
I don't know what controls each day that goes past, but for me, I abandoned it to the wind about 2 months ago. And so I watch and wait, not in anticipation, but merely as an observer. Sometimes I smile, sometimes I cry, but I keep watching.
Well, a few updates, I guess.
Following the internet cafe thing, I headed back to my cousins' place, where we then hung out for a bit longer. After this, my uncle came home n told us we were heading to the Taste of the Danforth streed food festival. In short, it was brilliant! Just so colourful and packed. The food was awesome. The atmosphere was carefree and everyone smiled. I loved that. I got to carry my little cousin on my shoulders all around. He loved that, and it was a beautiful feeling. Got back to their place that night, and we all just collapsed into bed, exhausted.
Sunday, we were all late risers after two days of early mornings and late nights and super-exhausting days. Regardless, it was a more homely day, for the most part. It was beautiful in its own way. Then that evening, one of my cousins, TB, took us painballing. Now THAT was addictive fun. Round after round of pelting each other with paint-filled plastic shells, only some of which explode upon impact. Also worth mentioning are the number of said shells exploding on masks and, on one shot, ingesting a shell's worth of vegetable oil-based paint. Not too tasty, but ah well.
Came back to my own place and my own bed following that. I never realized how comfortable it was, but it was amazing. Another night of instant sleep.
Monday, me and AP and her brother headed to Fleet & Strachan for more jobhunting. We got mass-drafted, but ah well, its something, right?
Something I realized. Silence is retreat, but its a very lonely retreat. It takes too many steps in another direction from which its hard to reach anyone.
Please don't let this matter...
I managed to score a conditional something else, for which I was supposed to attend a preparation conference and then a general meeting today. I made it there, only to find out that the conference was moved to tomorrow. So I hung out with some of the others who came there, until the general meeting rolled around. They were cool; I'll see them on the job a lot, I guess. Interesting ethnic ratio our job is gonna have.
I met this one girl who gave me the strongest sense of deja vu. It was crazy. Nice person though. Managed to get herself on the nerve of the managers at the meeting, lol. I figure I met her a year or so ago, I just have no clue where. Annoying fleeting memories. I wish it were more photographic.
I wish each day that went past could bear a smile with it. I guess that wouldn't be life then, would it?
I don't know when I'm going to get off the back seat and become the one who drives my life. Soon, I suppose. I just need a sign of sorts. I'll wait.
To the someone from the past or the present, and to all those who need something to think about, cry about, hold onto someone for, here's a song thats made me wonder about a few things. Read the lyrics first, then scroll down to watch the video. There's an alternate mellower (and much nicer) version of it on the MSN video site. The link is under the video posted on my blog.
Band: Hedley
Song: Trip
Some say love is not for sinners
I believe that isn't true
'Cause when I was finished sinning
Love came down and showed me you
And you told me how to get there
So I tried to find a way
Then I ran into your garden
But I tripped out the gate
I tripped out the gate
What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you
Like a ton of bricks it hit me
And woke me from this dream
No matter how hard I tried to wash my hands
I could never get 'em clean
I could never get 'em clean
What are you doing to me?
I'm so into you
And the hardest part is knowing
That I'll never follow through
You're slowly killing me
And I wish it wasn't true
Cause I'm so into you
Can you hear me?
Cuz I can't change what I'll always be
Click here to go the MSN Video
I don't want to dream anymore...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Just an intermission
Saturday August 12, 2006
So I realize I haven't updated in a few days. The reason for this is merely that I'm at my cousins' place, just relaxing and having fun courtesy of them. A little restless, have quite a few things to do, and do not have internet access. Hence this, my blogging from an internet cafe. I'll update more once I get home, but just a rundown of the last couple:
Headed to Wonderland yesterday with this group. Was a lot of fun, just in pure innocence and abandon.
Thank you for that guys.
Interestingly, my dreams have coincided with AP's in a way that seems a bit... strange. Regardless, they're dreams that portrayed her being eternally happy, so they're worth smiling about.
I'm adding the video for Mr. Brightside tying in for a previous post with the lyrics. Click HERE to go to it.
Just made me realize how much it ties into my last post about the people whowalk into your life, over you, and then disappear.
Thankless existence? Maybe. And no, I'm not emo, or regretting any of my choices. Just wondering why things are the way they are.
Have a good weekend.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
So I realize I haven't updated in a few days. The reason for this is merely that I'm at my cousins' place, just relaxing and having fun courtesy of them. A little restless, have quite a few things to do, and do not have internet access. Hence this, my blogging from an internet cafe. I'll update more once I get home, but just a rundown of the last couple:
Headed to Wonderland yesterday with this group. Was a lot of fun, just in pure innocence and abandon.
Thank you for that guys.
Interestingly, my dreams have coincided with AP's in a way that seems a bit... strange. Regardless, they're dreams that portrayed her being eternally happy, so they're worth smiling about.
I'm adding the video for Mr. Brightside tying in for a previous post with the lyrics. Click HERE to go to it.
Just made me realize how much it ties into my last post about the people whowalk into your life, over you, and then disappear.
Thankless existence? Maybe. And no, I'm not emo, or regretting any of my choices. Just wondering why things are the way they are.
Have a good weekend.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
New Day...
Just one thing for today...
Happy birthday to my dearest angel... to the one who taught me to dream... who taught me to live now...
Happy Birthday AP. I pray that ever moment of this year is just what you've dreamed it to be. Give me a chance to help you build your dreams.
458.
And here's something... a song that's making me get lost in parts of the past that we're meant to walk away from. Enjoy if you will.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Happy birthday to my dearest angel... to the one who taught me to dream... who taught me to live now...
Happy Birthday AP. I pray that ever moment of this year is just what you've dreamed it to be. Give me a chance to help you build your dreams.
458.
And here's something... a song that's making me get lost in parts of the past that we're meant to walk away from. Enjoy if you will.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Monday, August 07, 2006
In the end, it doesn't even matter...
No that title isn't ominous, or indicative of any resignation...
Just a couple things I feel like mentioning right now.
AP... I miss you beyond belief. Not being able to hear your voice each morning isn't difficult. Hard, but bearable. Not being able to speak every single thing on my mind and have you tell me things are alright, or that you'll help me make them so.. is.
Yet maybe its fear on my part.
Its not reliance.
Thank you D-girl. For everything. For that insanely long text, among others.
Tomorrow is going to be unfamiliar and maybe something new, maybe something in a sense of retrograde motion. I just want to take a few steps back and go on from there. Please give me that chance.
And then this picture...
I had this up on my display picture, courtesy of a friend who tried it, first for suicide, then for frustration, and then as a solution.
"At some point in your life, pain becomes more satisfying than gain..." He said that, and he made me wonder.
We try so hard for some things. We practically die for others. We sacrifice so much. Yet in the end that final result just doesn't seem to contain the sweetness we desire.
And so we do it, again and again, and yet again. The others walk over us, and we stand still... for in that sense of sacrifice there's no desire for revenge. Just the desire to be in that mindset. Its giving in to autonomy, and escaping to a twisted high that revels in pain yet wants no release from it. No, its not healthy. Yet its a sensation that, once we're in the grip of, is so hard to let go of.
And I know this... and I feel like I want it now.
I don't know.
I had a beautiful Wednesday. Maybe more so on this side than the other, but no matter. It was my choice to make it her day. Sorry for the stupidness. Hope I made you smile.
Listen to this...
Its somewhat definitive of what I feel for the world right now. Not everyone. Then again...
Happy Birthday to my friends BW and SG. Hope you guys have a blast on your 19ths. Miss you both. I'll make it up to you when I get a chance. I promise.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Just a couple things I feel like mentioning right now.
AP... I miss you beyond belief. Not being able to hear your voice each morning isn't difficult. Hard, but bearable. Not being able to speak every single thing on my mind and have you tell me things are alright, or that you'll help me make them so.. is.
Yet maybe its fear on my part.
Its not reliance.
Thank you D-girl. For everything. For that insanely long text, among others.
Tomorrow is going to be unfamiliar and maybe something new, maybe something in a sense of retrograde motion. I just want to take a few steps back and go on from there. Please give me that chance.
And then this picture...
I had this up on my display picture, courtesy of a friend who tried it, first for suicide, then for frustration, and then as a solution."At some point in your life, pain becomes more satisfying than gain..." He said that, and he made me wonder.
We try so hard for some things. We practically die for others. We sacrifice so much. Yet in the end that final result just doesn't seem to contain the sweetness we desire.
And so we do it, again and again, and yet again. The others walk over us, and we stand still... for in that sense of sacrifice there's no desire for revenge. Just the desire to be in that mindset. Its giving in to autonomy, and escaping to a twisted high that revels in pain yet wants no release from it. No, its not healthy. Yet its a sensation that, once we're in the grip of, is so hard to let go of.
And I know this... and I feel like I want it now.
I don't know.
I had a beautiful Wednesday. Maybe more so on this side than the other, but no matter. It was my choice to make it her day. Sorry for the stupidness. Hope I made you smile.
Listen to this...
Its somewhat definitive of what I feel for the world right now. Not everyone. Then again...
Happy Birthday to my friends BW and SG. Hope you guys have a blast on your 19ths. Miss you both. I'll make it up to you when I get a chance. I promise.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Monday, July 31, 2006
The essense of the eclectic
This post is, quite literally, going to be all over the place. The reason for this is that, at this very moment, it is 4:40 AM on Monday, July 31, 2006, and I have way too many things on my mind that I want to get down. Generally, when writing one of these longer posts, I organize my thoughts on paper and then post them. Not so this time, hence the mess of thoughts below. Bear with me please.
First off, a little about the weekend.
Friday July 28th.
Following my day of revisitations, I had some interesting dreams. It was, in essense, a combinations of all things of the far past, the near past, the present, and more of the future as dreamed from each of those perspectives. So I got to wondering about the reason for my dreaming those dreams. What lay behind them is an intricate tapestry of overlapping thoughts and emotions that would take a lifetime of connections to unravel, but it made me realize what stuff dreams are really made of: air. Not the kind that exists as a breath but...
Think about it in this sense. Oxford Dictionary [the online edition, current as of July 31st] states the following as a definition for a dream:
"1 a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. 2 a cherished ambition or ideal; a fantasy. 3 informal someone or something perceived as wonderful or perfect."
(Now I suppose I could use proper citation, but I believe my mention of borrowed copyright should be sufficient.)
When we are but mewlings, we are taught that the thoughts and images that we apparently see and experience in our sleep are things of the imagination. Upon growing slightly older, we are then told that dreams are a replay mechanism of sorts, providing a deeper analysis of the events of the day. And then again, when we grow a little more older, we're told that the mind has the ability to project events of the past, the present and a predictively-constructed future and provide them as different scenarios in which the apparent 'self' can participate. A long-winded explanation? Certainly. Accurate? That, I suppose, would depend on one's personal experiences in this matter.
At some point in most of our lives, we recognize the existense of emotions towards certain individuals, generally in the same age class as us. Again, to satisfy everyone regarding this matter, I would have to present my readers with options such as gender preference, choice in the number of partners etc... (I'm not a supporter of most, perhaps, any, of these choices, but to each his/her own) but me being too lazy and unmotivated to do that, I'll just use cliche terminology. So we go through various phases; what these phases are vary from individual to individual, but for classification purposes I'll just call them pre-pubescent attraction (the 'crush'), infatuation (where one actually understands one's emotions) and the terminal... or what most of us define as 'love'...
I've dreamed all my life, about the childish fantasies regarding flying in a rocket ship, etc etc... Then I've dreamed about where education will take me (some parts realistic, some not so much). Yet the strangest and yet most whimsical and reality-tinged dreams have been the ones where I've shared it alongside someone...
Two people have made me dream these dreams. One of them taught me to dream them... yet every single dream seems to have just one common theme. What that is, I have yet to discover. Yes, dreams don't rule your life, but I don't know, time will tell...
To you, who gave me these, thank you... You've left me to dream alone, yet not so much... for I still see you there.
So then that night, I made it back to Scarborough, for some more family time. [Did I mention my cousins from England were here? I don't remember if I posted it earlier, and I'm too lazy to check]
Saturday, July 29th.
This day was, quite literally, crazy. The plan was to go to Mississauga to visit some relatives, more on my mother's side (and my aunt's, my mom's youngest sister). Organizing such a trip for 9 people is not an easy thing, particularly when two of those people are 7 and 8 years old respectively. MR and AT are NOT the easiest to handle; trust me on that. Yet, at the end, we left... to what turned out to be quite a blast :) . Dad rented a Dodge Caravan (nice to drive, I must say), and we made it there. My aunt has a nice pool in her backyard. Not terribly deep, yet nice. Didn't go in the water this time around, but it was a LOT of fun to watch the kids play around.
And here I should mention Pepper. She is the most incredible thing. A cross between an Australian shepherd and a husky, she's just beautiful. one floppy ear to add character, she is SUCH a poser, that puppy. A year and a half, and she's 60-something lbs. Big puppy. But Gawd, is she shy. It took her close to an hour to warm up to me, and that was WITH me giving her constant attention. Yet she wouldn't leave after. It was so much fun playing with her. I miss her, and I miss the complete abandon one can have in playing with a dog. No other care in the world. I can see why my cousin and his wife are so attached to her.
And my cousin. Yeah, KN, racer dude. Sweet 'stang Cobra. Vortech supercharger that whines a beautiful note. Not to mention the roughness of the ride. Powerhouse, that. And then there's his home theater. No, literally, home theater. 600-watt amplifier powering JBL LCRs and surrounds, and an active JBL dual-ported 100-watt sub to boot. And a 10.7 foot hi-definition screen. Nice :) Yeah he's got a projector and screen rigged. Talk about fun. Not to mention the plasma he's getting in the main room. Yeah, Planet of the Apes never looked so good.
Coming away from there was hard, but yeah, we made it back. And to bed, only to get up at 5 AM... to make sandwiches.
Sunday, July 30th.
So today... was Niagara day. Another mission. Won't go on much about it, just that it was beyond amazing. Yes, the sight itself does get somewhat wearisome when it becomes an annual ritual. but 3 each time with someone different makes it enjoyable all the more for it being a communal thing. And this was a rather interesting sight.
The day ended with me being back at Mac. It was fun... and now I think I'm ready for bed.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
First off, a little about the weekend.
Friday July 28th.
Following my day of revisitations, I had some interesting dreams. It was, in essense, a combinations of all things of the far past, the near past, the present, and more of the future as dreamed from each of those perspectives. So I got to wondering about the reason for my dreaming those dreams. What lay behind them is an intricate tapestry of overlapping thoughts and emotions that would take a lifetime of connections to unravel, but it made me realize what stuff dreams are really made of: air. Not the kind that exists as a breath but...
Think about it in this sense. Oxford Dictionary [the online edition, current as of July 31st] states the following as a definition for a dream:
"1 a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. 2 a cherished ambition or ideal; a fantasy. 3 informal someone or something perceived as wonderful or perfect."
(Now I suppose I could use proper citation, but I believe my mention of borrowed copyright should be sufficient.)
When we are but mewlings, we are taught that the thoughts and images that we apparently see and experience in our sleep are things of the imagination. Upon growing slightly older, we are then told that dreams are a replay mechanism of sorts, providing a deeper analysis of the events of the day. And then again, when we grow a little more older, we're told that the mind has the ability to project events of the past, the present and a predictively-constructed future and provide them as different scenarios in which the apparent 'self' can participate. A long-winded explanation? Certainly. Accurate? That, I suppose, would depend on one's personal experiences in this matter.
At some point in most of our lives, we recognize the existense of emotions towards certain individuals, generally in the same age class as us. Again, to satisfy everyone regarding this matter, I would have to present my readers with options such as gender preference, choice in the number of partners etc... (I'm not a supporter of most, perhaps, any, of these choices, but to each his/her own) but me being too lazy and unmotivated to do that, I'll just use cliche terminology. So we go through various phases; what these phases are vary from individual to individual, but for classification purposes I'll just call them pre-pubescent attraction (the 'crush'), infatuation (where one actually understands one's emotions) and the terminal... or what most of us define as 'love'...
I've dreamed all my life, about the childish fantasies regarding flying in a rocket ship, etc etc... Then I've dreamed about where education will take me (some parts realistic, some not so much). Yet the strangest and yet most whimsical and reality-tinged dreams have been the ones where I've shared it alongside someone...
Two people have made me dream these dreams. One of them taught me to dream them... yet every single dream seems to have just one common theme. What that is, I have yet to discover. Yes, dreams don't rule your life, but I don't know, time will tell...
To you, who gave me these, thank you... You've left me to dream alone, yet not so much... for I still see you there.
So then that night, I made it back to Scarborough, for some more family time. [Did I mention my cousins from England were here? I don't remember if I posted it earlier, and I'm too lazy to check]
Saturday, July 29th.
This day was, quite literally, crazy. The plan was to go to Mississauga to visit some relatives, more on my mother's side (and my aunt's, my mom's youngest sister). Organizing such a trip for 9 people is not an easy thing, particularly when two of those people are 7 and 8 years old respectively. MR and AT are NOT the easiest to handle; trust me on that. Yet, at the end, we left... to what turned out to be quite a blast :) . Dad rented a Dodge Caravan (nice to drive, I must say), and we made it there. My aunt has a nice pool in her backyard. Not terribly deep, yet nice. Didn't go in the water this time around, but it was a LOT of fun to watch the kids play around.
And here I should mention Pepper. She is the most incredible thing. A cross between an Australian shepherd and a husky, she's just beautiful. one floppy ear to add character, she is SUCH a poser, that puppy. A year and a half, and she's 60-something lbs. Big puppy. But Gawd, is she shy. It took her close to an hour to warm up to me, and that was WITH me giving her constant attention. Yet she wouldn't leave after. It was so much fun playing with her. I miss her, and I miss the complete abandon one can have in playing with a dog. No other care in the world. I can see why my cousin and his wife are so attached to her.
And my cousin. Yeah, KN, racer dude. Sweet 'stang Cobra. Vortech supercharger that whines a beautiful note. Not to mention the roughness of the ride. Powerhouse, that. And then there's his home theater. No, literally, home theater. 600-watt amplifier powering JBL LCRs and surrounds, and an active JBL dual-ported 100-watt sub to boot. And a 10.7 foot hi-definition screen. Nice :) Yeah he's got a projector and screen rigged. Talk about fun. Not to mention the plasma he's getting in the main room. Yeah, Planet of the Apes never looked so good.
Coming away from there was hard, but yeah, we made it back. And to bed, only to get up at 5 AM... to make sandwiches.
Sunday, July 30th.
So today... was Niagara day. Another mission. Won't go on much about it, just that it was beyond amazing. Yes, the sight itself does get somewhat wearisome when it becomes an annual ritual. but 3 each time with someone different makes it enjoyable all the more for it being a communal thing. And this was a rather interesting sight.
The day ended with me being back at Mac. It was fun... and now I think I'm ready for bed.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Friday, July 28, 2006
Revisiting...
[July 27th, 2006: A Thursday]
Today was different; then again it seems that every day that passes me by seems to have something outrageous, unique or notable about it. Yet maybe it was what ensued today that makes it worth writing about. Perhaps I'm writing this to preserve something, perhaps it is to hold onto a memory that must be let go. I don't know anymore, but I'm writing anyways.
I started out the day slipping into something that I vowed never to do again. This vow took me four years to resolve, a few tears to begin, and merely 21 days to break. Weak? I guess I am. I cannot believe that what took that long to hold to perfection I let slip in a matter of moments. To those involved, I am sorry. And to God, to whom I made this vow... all I can ask for is forgiveness, and the chance to let me use your strength and not just mine.
I remember my scripture verse again. Psalm 139:23-24. Please let me not forget it this time. Please.
The rest of the day passed by well enough. I grabbed some lunch with AP and then headed to class with her. I had to also make a payment on Thanga's behalf, courtesy of eBay (yet again). So class passed. After class I helped AP clear out her entire room for the necessary emigration brought on by the end of summer school coupled with the apparent doubts of housing for the regular school year. That was somewhat fun. Time-consuming, but fun. Said a goodnight and goodbye for the weekend, and left.
I spent the rest of the night watching Domino, the movie that cast Keira Knightley in a rolse as a bounty hunter. It isn't a movie I'd recommend by any standards.
While watching the movie, however, SU began to converse with me. It really had been a long time since any conversation had passed between us, comparatively at least. In essence, it wasn't anything more than passing around a few jokes, inquiring about what was happening in the here-and-now, but it was still more than a month's worth. Yet... at the end, words were said that leave me wondering, even now, what they mean. Not who they came from, nor the emotions and life behind them but just... the words themselves I guess. I'll get to that in a bit.
It slipped into the morning of July 28th, a Friday, and, as per a request, I attemped to call off of a calling card. The card wouldn't let me... and that was cut short. I cursed the card all day long to no avail. But it was pointless.
Such was my rather different day.
For all you readers out there, I apologize for this post being overly cryptic. I guess its because it contains some stuff that I really can't state in open words on an openly-accessible website. If you want to know or care about anything in this post, just contact me and I'll tell you. Though for those involved, I'm sure you can follow along with most, if not all, of it.
Till next time.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Today was different; then again it seems that every day that passes me by seems to have something outrageous, unique or notable about it. Yet maybe it was what ensued today that makes it worth writing about. Perhaps I'm writing this to preserve something, perhaps it is to hold onto a memory that must be let go. I don't know anymore, but I'm writing anyways.
I started out the day slipping into something that I vowed never to do again. This vow took me four years to resolve, a few tears to begin, and merely 21 days to break. Weak? I guess I am. I cannot believe that what took that long to hold to perfection I let slip in a matter of moments. To those involved, I am sorry. And to God, to whom I made this vow... all I can ask for is forgiveness, and the chance to let me use your strength and not just mine.
I remember my scripture verse again. Psalm 139:23-24. Please let me not forget it this time. Please.
The rest of the day passed by well enough. I grabbed some lunch with AP and then headed to class with her. I had to also make a payment on Thanga's behalf, courtesy of eBay (yet again). So class passed. After class I helped AP clear out her entire room for the necessary emigration brought on by the end of summer school coupled with the apparent doubts of housing for the regular school year. That was somewhat fun. Time-consuming, but fun. Said a goodnight and goodbye for the weekend, and left.
I spent the rest of the night watching Domino, the movie that cast Keira Knightley in a rolse as a bounty hunter. It isn't a movie I'd recommend by any standards.
While watching the movie, however, SU began to converse with me. It really had been a long time since any conversation had passed between us, comparatively at least. In essence, it wasn't anything more than passing around a few jokes, inquiring about what was happening in the here-and-now, but it was still more than a month's worth. Yet... at the end, words were said that leave me wondering, even now, what they mean. Not who they came from, nor the emotions and life behind them but just... the words themselves I guess. I'll get to that in a bit.
It slipped into the morning of July 28th, a Friday, and, as per a request, I attemped to call off of a calling card. The card wouldn't let me... and that was cut short. I cursed the card all day long to no avail. But it was pointless.
Such was my rather different day.
For all you readers out there, I apologize for this post being overly cryptic. I guess its because it contains some stuff that I really can't state in open words on an openly-accessible website. If you want to know or care about anything in this post, just contact me and I'll tell you. Though for those involved, I'm sure you can follow along with most, if not all, of it.
Till next time.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Enough is enough
Alright, so I realize that since July 15th, 2:56 AM, I haven't published a single post. The reason for this is that I've thought and rethought every line thats gone into the massive one I was about to publish. It factored in one too many people's feelings and emotions to the point where each time I'd open it, I'd revise the first few lines, move down, revise more... until the entire post began to stay stagnant, along with this blog. So I've decided to say that the past 2 weeks will stay only in my memory, or at least until I'm capable of forming some sort of order to it. So here's to starting again.
I'm tired right now and can't be bothered to really post anything significant, so I'll start tomorrow.
But for now, here are the lyrics to a song I can't stop playing over and over in my head. Why? I don't know. Maybe its subliminal, maybe its a recollection, or it just may be musical appreciation, but here it is.
Mr Brightside [The Killers - Hot Fuss]
Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside
(repeat)
Signing off...
Whispered Screams
I'm tired right now and can't be bothered to really post anything significant, so I'll start tomorrow.
But for now, here are the lyrics to a song I can't stop playing over and over in my head. Why? I don't know. Maybe its subliminal, maybe its a recollection, or it just may be musical appreciation, but here it is.
Mr Brightside [The Killers - Hot Fuss]
Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside
(repeat)
Signing off...
Whispered Screams
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I detest this...
I just completed a post, of some length and some effort, and when attempting to publish, it crashed. And I lost it all...
And I have no motivation to rewrite.
To all you readers, I apologize. I'll make up for it. I promise.
D, 2K, plans still stand as is :)
AP... just a borrowed phrase...
God almighty...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
And I have no motivation to rewrite.
To all you readers, I apologize. I'll make up for it. I promise.
D, 2K, plans still stand as is :)
AP... just a borrowed phrase...
God almighty...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Friday, July 14, 2006
So lets GO...
Alright, so going on from where I finished in the last post (considerin I finished it at 11 AM yesterday), I... didn't get any sleep, lol. Well, yesterday, at least.
Now that RZ's here, need to figure out what's happening with the bags, and then what we're gonna do with regards to vacationing. Gotta think up some things. Ah well, later. Hm.. after freshening up for the day, n getting my act together, I called AP to see how she was doing. Lol, so much for making it to class :P Slept in, was too comfy. Then told me what was on her mind... Decided to go over n talk to her for a bit... My stupidities affect her in themost dire ways... I am so sorry. I'd give anything to take every moment of it back. I really would.
So then managed to rouse RZ from his slumber, called the Greyhound terminal, learned that the bags were in T.O and that they were unwilling to deliver...??????????????????????????? Yeah, thats what they said, lol. Customer's fault, so customer should come pick up the bags. 610 Bay Street. Cool. So gonna go there with RZ today.
Headed over to AP's house. Thanga called on the way there... really glad how I'm able to talk to her so much now... :) Kinda missed what we shared before all this jazz. So talked with her all the way there. Then spent some time with AP, just thinking. Lol, then more of CL, lol. Was interesting conversation.
Then remembered that I was supposed to come home n get somethin for RZ, so picked up some shawarma from a place at the top of our street. The sign says Cedar. Inside its called Ghazi's. Weird. But the food's good, so meh. So picked up stuff, walked home, ate, had a serving of Chocolate fudge Crackle ice cream (I think it was a President's Choice product), then decided to head back to T.O, me, RZ and AP. So then a mad dash to get ready in the span of about 7 minutes, lol. Did it, then headed to the Emerson n Whitney HSR bus stop, boarded the 5E, n headed off, plannin to meet AP at the GO station. Then remembered that I NEED A JOB! So got off at the Taco Bell for a last-chance thing, handed it in, n then tried to catch the next bus... didn't work, lol. We missed 2 in a row, n AP beat us there. Figured we wouldn't make it in time, so we waited at an intermediate stop right in front of Jackson after some deliberation with AP. Managed to catch it, and had a decently interesting ride back to T.O.
Got back, suffered through AP's n RZ's little immaturities, lol. Then sent her off on the TTC, and walked all the way up Bay with RZ (some interesting sights... think we're gonna pretty much repeat that walk with D n the 2Ks come tomorrow). Got to Gerrard, and overshot Church to find the Neill-Wycik. Interesting. They turned a university dormitory into a summer backpacker's residence. Very cheap, but you literally get what you pay for. Communal shower for a unit, and a bed, and a desk. And BARELY enough room to walk in. Lol, it was interesting. So dropped RZ off and headed home. Took me till 10:30 to make it back. Was tiring, considering that the Compaq is quite literally a monster loadonmy back, and walking with it ain't an easy task. Regardless, made it back... loved coming home n seeing everyone. One of the few times I've felt that way.
Got rid of the travel grime, and then ate, and had a very cool 4-way MSN convo with D n 2K. Rendezvous set! 10:45 D, transfer machine, on top or leaning, lol. And 11:30 for all of us, at the coffee shop outside Bay station. Sweet!
Then had a conversation with CL. Very cool dude. Yeah AP, smile... he certainly makes you :). So, at 4 AM, decided to head to bed... beautiful dreamless sleep...
And I slept through my alarms...zzz...
And I am now LATE! Have to head over to thanga's, and the RZ's, n sort everything out.... Aaaa...
I'll post more later... n maybe have a somewhat more interesting day so as not to have to post every lil detail of the day in this blog, lol. Sorry to everyone who reads this for having to suffer thru it. Thanks anyways tho... lol.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Now that RZ's here, need to figure out what's happening with the bags, and then what we're gonna do with regards to vacationing. Gotta think up some things. Ah well, later. Hm.. after freshening up for the day, n getting my act together, I called AP to see how she was doing. Lol, so much for making it to class :P Slept in, was too comfy. Then told me what was on her mind... Decided to go over n talk to her for a bit... My stupidities affect her in themost dire ways... I am so sorry. I'd give anything to take every moment of it back. I really would.
So then managed to rouse RZ from his slumber, called the Greyhound terminal, learned that the bags were in T.O and that they were unwilling to deliver...??????????????????????????? Yeah, thats what they said, lol. Customer's fault, so customer should come pick up the bags. 610 Bay Street. Cool. So gonna go there with RZ today.
Headed over to AP's house. Thanga called on the way there... really glad how I'm able to talk to her so much now... :) Kinda missed what we shared before all this jazz. So talked with her all the way there. Then spent some time with AP, just thinking. Lol, then more of CL, lol. Was interesting conversation.
Then remembered that I was supposed to come home n get somethin for RZ, so picked up some shawarma from a place at the top of our street. The sign says Cedar. Inside its called Ghazi's. Weird. But the food's good, so meh. So picked up stuff, walked home, ate, had a serving of Chocolate fudge Crackle ice cream (I think it was a President's Choice product), then decided to head back to T.O, me, RZ and AP. So then a mad dash to get ready in the span of about 7 minutes, lol. Did it, then headed to the Emerson n Whitney HSR bus stop, boarded the 5E, n headed off, plannin to meet AP at the GO station. Then remembered that I NEED A JOB! So got off at the Taco Bell for a last-chance thing, handed it in, n then tried to catch the next bus... didn't work, lol. We missed 2 in a row, n AP beat us there. Figured we wouldn't make it in time, so we waited at an intermediate stop right in front of Jackson after some deliberation with AP. Managed to catch it, and had a decently interesting ride back to T.O.
Got back, suffered through AP's n RZ's little immaturities, lol. Then sent her off on the TTC, and walked all the way up Bay with RZ (some interesting sights... think we're gonna pretty much repeat that walk with D n the 2Ks come tomorrow). Got to Gerrard, and overshot Church to find the Neill-Wycik. Interesting. They turned a university dormitory into a summer backpacker's residence. Very cheap, but you literally get what you pay for. Communal shower for a unit, and a bed, and a desk. And BARELY enough room to walk in. Lol, it was interesting. So dropped RZ off and headed home. Took me till 10:30 to make it back. Was tiring, considering that the Compaq is quite literally a monster loadonmy back, and walking with it ain't an easy task. Regardless, made it back... loved coming home n seeing everyone. One of the few times I've felt that way.
Got rid of the travel grime, and then ate, and had a very cool 4-way MSN convo with D n 2K. Rendezvous set! 10:45 D, transfer machine, on top or leaning, lol. And 11:30 for all of us, at the coffee shop outside Bay station. Sweet!
Then had a conversation with CL. Very cool dude. Yeah AP, smile... he certainly makes you :). So, at 4 AM, decided to head to bed... beautiful dreamless sleep...
And I slept through my alarms...zzz...
And I am now LATE! Have to head over to thanga's, and the RZ's, n sort everything out.... Aaaa...
I'll post more later... n maybe have a somewhat more interesting day so as not to have to post every lil detail of the day in this blog, lol. Sorry to everyone who reads this for having to suffer thru it. Thanks anyways tho... lol.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Woah... that was a while... here's a compilation :P
Alright, so I haven't posted in nearly 4 days. Lol, surprise surprise? The daily thing was gonna wear out, you might've thought. Wel.... not quite... Its more like, more time away means all the more to write about :P. So here goes...
July 9th (The rest of it, past my 2 am soiree):
I failed in my attempt to try and make it to church. It meant more than just going for the sake of it, for worship, for teaching, for instruction... it was part of my reconnection after a LONG sabbatical. No matter... will fix that the instant I can. The verses that froze me though...
Psalm 139: 23-24...[NKJV]
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Want to wake up to that every morning. I pray for that to be on my mind before everything else... always... my fiery test... my cleansing.
As for the rest of the day, a few subtopics...
TENNIS:
After a good Wimbledon season, Nadal vs. Federer was a beautiful match-up. After previous encounters on the Grand Slam circuit, during which Federer had to surrender his titles to the quicker Nadal, Wimbledon was Federer's turf (no pun intended... I mean it!). Impressive control: Federer won 6-0, 7-6, 6-7, 6-3. Was fun to watch:D Lets see how the rest goes. Also gotta keep an eye out for Baghdatis.Up and coming dude.
FOOTBALL/SOCCER:
Well... what can I say except... WHAT A FINAL! :S Eyes glued to the idiot box from start to finish; a... um.. unique finish at that... Zidane, dude! That was one VERY classy penalty at 7 minutes. And one heck of an attempt at a header later on. But... with that little skull bash that felled Materazzi at extra time with the cupjust 8 minutes away from you? What was really worth that?...
Best player in the world for a long time running... ironic, he even got the golden ball this time around. Ah well, gotta say though, I'd give anything to know exactly what was in his head at that moment. Wasn't impulse... Then again, comparing him to the likes of Eric Cantona (the fan-assaulting foot ball maestro who remains the Man-U legend, and who also hosted the Nike advertising set "Joga Bonito"), I'm guessing something must've snapped REALLY hard in his mind. What I'm glad about is that all of France & all of Zidane's fans have stuck by him. Respects, bro...
All said n don, amazing match. Italy, you claimed your cup well. Brathez, and all you French veterans, we'll miss you... hopefully France is back on its feet, back to the powerhouse it was/is, Lol, Euro Cup prelims... first match-up... Italy vs France???? Man...
Random insertion, but pertinent nonetheless... The slideshow compiled by the Rogers World Cup team was beautiful. Thanks for an awesome World Cup :D Never had to miss a minute of it (well, didn't have to, but did... ah well)
Well, thats a description of July 9th. Hmm... Do I continue with these extensive summaries og each day? Or should I cut to something shorter n sweeter, n save my space for something more like the rambling in the previous post?
...
Alright, I'll save the rambling for later but I'll just summarize the rest of the days best as I can.
So... Monday July 10th :D
First off, it was my lil cousin Aathavan's birthday. Lil dude turned 7... Remember when he was born... Was in London, England n took care of my aunt n everything... Awesome dude... far smarter than anyone his age should be. He can take anything you're arguing about n rip it to shreds, just by destroying the very reason you're arguing... yes he's only 7, lol.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AATHAVAN!
He's coming here July 22nd (Saturday) with his bro, Maiuran and my aunt n uncle :D. Should be a beautiful summer. I miss them... saw them last year but thats already too long... well, it seems a world away just because of... Grampa's passing...
I miss him so much...
Um, just a tad strange... Got a friend's hi5 profile open... they've got a music collection... um... Puff Daddy ft. Faith Evan: "I'll be missing you" just came on...
Ah man...
:)
So yeah, they're coming over for a couple weeks :D Gotta pull it together n make sure they have the most awesome time.
Past that... Oh yeah... Monday... Got up at 5:45 AM, which was weird... cuz I never expected to go to sleep at the first place, but now worries :) Made it to the GO station on time... just didn't realize that the trip time from Hamilton to T.O was extended by 20 minutes in the morning... and then a slower-than-usual subway/RT ride, all the way to Scarborough Town Centre... lol... we're all magnetically drawn to that... regardless of how much we try to repel ourselves from it. So went n met AB at the Civic centre to pick up the transcripts. Not too bad a procedure... just... seemed like such a waste of a day to end it at that n come back to Hamilton... but while I was waiting for the office to print out my transcript, I got an email from my friend BC... just brightened my day considerably :), so decided I'd meet her. So, a couple phone calls, and lo n behold! in an hour I was hangin out with ML and BC. Fun day :) Didn't really do much except follow them around their store circuit and help ML pick out a shirt, n attempt to find BC a purse... mission and a half, that... Didn't find anything in the end tho, so ah well. Then got a call from GP to pick up his eBay purchase $$. Sweet. now I had enough to send to Paypal n not go bankrupt, lol. So went n picked that up, bid adieu to the girlies, and thought of headin back to the Hammer. So I walked to the McCowan RT terminal... Walked into the second level, then found I had to take the stairs to the first level to enter the TTC-rider area, then had to climb up to the 3rd level to get to the RT platform... :S Very funny station, that... So I get inside... and guess what they have... lol.. an RT TRAFFIC JAM! Yeah... so the RT consists of trains that are entirely computer-controlled, right? So one breaks down at some point along the line, so it throws the entire system off... They had to switch the lines to manual control, so the driver could handle the throttle n all that jazz. So ended up waiting for half an hour for a train that usually has a frequency of about 2-4 minutes. The wait wasn't too bad though... As always, I was fascinated by the electronically-controlled switching system. Its impressive how they can get metal that must have high compression resistance to bend to exactly the amount they want, n the return to a more relaxed state, n not cause it to break... I want one of those switches :P Why? i don't know... I just think they're kewl... And cuz I wouldn't mind having a high-power, high-torque motor sitting around :P Ah well. Don't think the TTC will sell me theirs, so just gotta figure out where to get a new one. Save that for one of my very strange goals in life... hmm... the list grows...
So made it back, went to AP's place,was supposed to take her to watch Pirates, but both too tired, her outta boredom, me outta... travelling? Lack of sleep? Ah well, one of the two... so stayed with her for the rest of the night... talking bout the day, bout her living arrangement dilemma for the upcoming school year... not a bad end to a night :) so just came home n went straight to bed after... yes fully dressed, lol...
July 11th...
So woke up (again, after not too many slumber hours) and headed to the Hawk... dropped off the transcripts, inquired bout payment... blah de blah blah... then back to JACKSON... lol, that thing doesn't even deserve to be called a mall, but regardless, headed there, grabbed a couple bites, put in GP's $$ (only to come home n find my refund cheque sitting in my mailbox :S), then headed home, for a couple hours... then back to AP's to take her out to Pirates... decided she'd rather watch soaps first... BLECH! But yeah, lol, let her enjoy those... then headed out... MAN WAS IT AWESOME! Can't believe we have to wait a year for the release of the next one... Aw man... wanna watch it again... :D U wanna, D? Saturday?
Well, the rest of the day passed by alright... went to Mahal, grabbed a bit of food, came home, ate.. (still at AP's place), then went home n crashed again... was up in a couple, but those few minutes helped... Tried sorting out RZ's stayin here... didn't get too far, so decided it would be easier to do it in person...
Well, by now its technically Wednesday July 12th...
So I went out for a run... was pouring... but I needed it... felt good. Then came back, talked to RZ from the Buffalo/Niagara border... finalized meeting plans, then got ready, left to get to the GO station... found out he left a couple of his bags on the bus, lol... but yeah, brought him back to my place... then called AP over... it was a fun reunion through n through... should be good havin him around. Will figure out stuff to do over the next week...
But yeah, wasn't too bad for a first day.. Gloomy as heck, and pouring outside for a good part of the AM and the afternoon. So stayed in, introduced AB, spent a while talkin n workin on an essay for a friend... me n AB, that is... bout the poem "Sailing to Byzantium" by William Butler Yeats.. an interesting poem, but don't know if I agree with his comparisons... yes I agree that freeing the intellect from a sensual lifestyle is important for preservation... but seems that he almost beats up on the desires of the here and now a bit too much... Still a very good literary piece though :) The essay turned out to be a pile of crap though :P Had no flow, no structure, and nothing to do with the poem whatsoever, lol. NRS, hope your teacher marks easy...
So once that was done, a few more phone calls, then we departed. Hit the GO station first, to make inquires about procedure, then get more contact numbers... then hit Jackson to grab a bite to eat... me being the genius I am, I get an end-of-the-day whopper... man oh man...
So yeah, we go uptown, up the mountain, to the Upper James Cineplex Odeon movie theatre. After a bit of dilemma on going back n renting etc... (we are so indecisive... guess we aren't getting any managerial positions in the future, lol) we decided on watching Click. So we get in... n pretty much all 4 of us fall asleep... again, a bit of a dilemma on whether to get a refund... but nah, we stayed... Was an alright movie really :D . Quite a bit on the vulgar side though... so not exactly high on my list of recommendations, but for a story in n of itself... it was nice... morally...
Oh yeah, during the movie, however... had to leave n hit the washroom... had to throw up all of that burger... man, was it nasty... lesson learned... no more of that kinda stuff that late into the day, lol. And then went to purchase a water bottle... $3.18 for a small Dasani !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, was kinda desperate, so ah well... no worries, rite?
So headed back after the movies... AP got off to go to her place, n me, AB n RZ headed to the girlies' place... chilled there for a bit, introduced RZ around, picked up thanga's stuff for her... (gotta remember to drop that off at her place) then walked back home. Talked a bit more to RZ... then figured out sleep n stuff... talked to AP, n left her to talk to CL (lol... 3 h14m? reason to smile indeed... sorry, thought u'd gone to bed...)
Talked to D for a bit :) After hearing quite a bit, it was awesome... stay that way in person please?
Lookin forward to Saturday :D
So its now Thursday July 13th...
Called the parcel delivery in Toronto for the Greyhound service... they're unwilling to deliver???????????? What the..... man... this is gonna get frustrating... ah well, day just started, I have no rights to complain... we'll see how the rest of today goes... hopefully it goes according to plan... lol, alright, time to plan...
Hmm... as closing comments, I'll use this as my scratchpad...
1) Meet up with AP
2) Figure out RZ's bag stuff
3) Figure out goin to T.O/Staying in the Hammer
4) Talk to D or the 2Ks about rendezvous times
5) Figure out finances
And as enjoyable as this was... I think its dragged on long enough eh?... 8 hours since I began... interspersed with everything else, hence the time length... I shall post a new one later today or in the early AM tomorrow. So watch out for that. And till then, I be adieu to you too.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams...
July 9th (The rest of it, past my 2 am soiree):
I failed in my attempt to try and make it to church. It meant more than just going for the sake of it, for worship, for teaching, for instruction... it was part of my reconnection after a LONG sabbatical. No matter... will fix that the instant I can. The verses that froze me though...
Psalm 139: 23-24...[NKJV]
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Want to wake up to that every morning. I pray for that to be on my mind before everything else... always... my fiery test... my cleansing.
As for the rest of the day, a few subtopics...
TENNIS:
After a good Wimbledon season, Nadal vs. Federer was a beautiful match-up. After previous encounters on the Grand Slam circuit, during which Federer had to surrender his titles to the quicker Nadal, Wimbledon was Federer's turf (no pun intended... I mean it!). Impressive control: Federer won 6-0, 7-6, 6-7, 6-3. Was fun to watch:D Lets see how the rest goes. Also gotta keep an eye out for Baghdatis.Up and coming dude.
FOOTBALL/SOCCER:
Well... what can I say except... WHAT A FINAL! :S Eyes glued to the idiot box from start to finish; a... um.. unique finish at that... Zidane, dude! That was one VERY classy penalty at 7 minutes. And one heck of an attempt at a header later on. But... with that little skull bash that felled Materazzi at extra time with the cupjust 8 minutes away from you? What was really worth that?...
Best player in the world for a long time running... ironic, he even got the golden ball this time around. Ah well, gotta say though, I'd give anything to know exactly what was in his head at that moment. Wasn't impulse... Then again, comparing him to the likes of Eric Cantona (the fan-assaulting foot ball maestro who remains the Man-U legend, and who also hosted the Nike advertising set "Joga Bonito"), I'm guessing something must've snapped REALLY hard in his mind. What I'm glad about is that all of France & all of Zidane's fans have stuck by him. Respects, bro...
All said n don, amazing match. Italy, you claimed your cup well. Brathez, and all you French veterans, we'll miss you... hopefully France is back on its feet, back to the powerhouse it was/is, Lol, Euro Cup prelims... first match-up... Italy vs France???? Man...
Random insertion, but pertinent nonetheless... The slideshow compiled by the Rogers World Cup team was beautiful. Thanks for an awesome World Cup :D Never had to miss a minute of it (well, didn't have to, but did... ah well)
Well, thats a description of July 9th. Hmm... Do I continue with these extensive summaries og each day? Or should I cut to something shorter n sweeter, n save my space for something more like the rambling in the previous post?
...
Alright, I'll save the rambling for later but I'll just summarize the rest of the days best as I can.
So... Monday July 10th :D
First off, it was my lil cousin Aathavan's birthday. Lil dude turned 7... Remember when he was born... Was in London, England n took care of my aunt n everything... Awesome dude... far smarter than anyone his age should be. He can take anything you're arguing about n rip it to shreds, just by destroying the very reason you're arguing... yes he's only 7, lol.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AATHAVAN!
He's coming here July 22nd (Saturday) with his bro, Maiuran and my aunt n uncle :D. Should be a beautiful summer. I miss them... saw them last year but thats already too long... well, it seems a world away just because of... Grampa's passing...
I miss him so much...
Um, just a tad strange... Got a friend's hi5 profile open... they've got a music collection... um... Puff Daddy ft. Faith Evan: "I'll be missing you" just came on...
Ah man...
:)
So yeah, they're coming over for a couple weeks :D Gotta pull it together n make sure they have the most awesome time.
Past that... Oh yeah... Monday... Got up at 5:45 AM, which was weird... cuz I never expected to go to sleep at the first place, but now worries :) Made it to the GO station on time... just didn't realize that the trip time from Hamilton to T.O was extended by 20 minutes in the morning... and then a slower-than-usual subway/RT ride, all the way to Scarborough Town Centre... lol... we're all magnetically drawn to that... regardless of how much we try to repel ourselves from it. So went n met AB at the Civic centre to pick up the transcripts. Not too bad a procedure... just... seemed like such a waste of a day to end it at that n come back to Hamilton... but while I was waiting for the office to print out my transcript, I got an email from my friend BC... just brightened my day considerably :), so decided I'd meet her. So, a couple phone calls, and lo n behold! in an hour I was hangin out with ML and BC. Fun day :) Didn't really do much except follow them around their store circuit and help ML pick out a shirt, n attempt to find BC a purse... mission and a half, that... Didn't find anything in the end tho, so ah well. Then got a call from GP to pick up his eBay purchase $$. Sweet. now I had enough to send to Paypal n not go bankrupt, lol. So went n picked that up, bid adieu to the girlies, and thought of headin back to the Hammer. So I walked to the McCowan RT terminal... Walked into the second level, then found I had to take the stairs to the first level to enter the TTC-rider area, then had to climb up to the 3rd level to get to the RT platform... :S Very funny station, that... So I get inside... and guess what they have... lol.. an RT TRAFFIC JAM! Yeah... so the RT consists of trains that are entirely computer-controlled, right? So one breaks down at some point along the line, so it throws the entire system off... They had to switch the lines to manual control, so the driver could handle the throttle n all that jazz. So ended up waiting for half an hour for a train that usually has a frequency of about 2-4 minutes. The wait wasn't too bad though... As always, I was fascinated by the electronically-controlled switching system. Its impressive how they can get metal that must have high compression resistance to bend to exactly the amount they want, n the return to a more relaxed state, n not cause it to break... I want one of those switches :P Why? i don't know... I just think they're kewl... And cuz I wouldn't mind having a high-power, high-torque motor sitting around :P Ah well. Don't think the TTC will sell me theirs, so just gotta figure out where to get a new one. Save that for one of my very strange goals in life... hmm... the list grows...
So made it back, went to AP's place,was supposed to take her to watch Pirates, but both too tired, her outta boredom, me outta... travelling? Lack of sleep? Ah well, one of the two... so stayed with her for the rest of the night... talking bout the day, bout her living arrangement dilemma for the upcoming school year... not a bad end to a night :) so just came home n went straight to bed after... yes fully dressed, lol...
July 11th...
So woke up (again, after not too many slumber hours) and headed to the Hawk... dropped off the transcripts, inquired bout payment... blah de blah blah... then back to JACKSON... lol, that thing doesn't even deserve to be called a mall, but regardless, headed there, grabbed a couple bites, put in GP's $$ (only to come home n find my refund cheque sitting in my mailbox :S), then headed home, for a couple hours... then back to AP's to take her out to Pirates... decided she'd rather watch soaps first... BLECH! But yeah, lol, let her enjoy those... then headed out... MAN WAS IT AWESOME! Can't believe we have to wait a year for the release of the next one... Aw man... wanna watch it again... :D U wanna, D? Saturday?
Well, the rest of the day passed by alright... went to Mahal, grabbed a bit of food, came home, ate.. (still at AP's place), then went home n crashed again... was up in a couple, but those few minutes helped... Tried sorting out RZ's stayin here... didn't get too far, so decided it would be easier to do it in person...
Well, by now its technically Wednesday July 12th...
So I went out for a run... was pouring... but I needed it... felt good. Then came back, talked to RZ from the Buffalo/Niagara border... finalized meeting plans, then got ready, left to get to the GO station... found out he left a couple of his bags on the bus, lol... but yeah, brought him back to my place... then called AP over... it was a fun reunion through n through... should be good havin him around. Will figure out stuff to do over the next week...
But yeah, wasn't too bad for a first day.. Gloomy as heck, and pouring outside for a good part of the AM and the afternoon. So stayed in, introduced AB, spent a while talkin n workin on an essay for a friend... me n AB, that is... bout the poem "Sailing to Byzantium" by William Butler Yeats.. an interesting poem, but don't know if I agree with his comparisons... yes I agree that freeing the intellect from a sensual lifestyle is important for preservation... but seems that he almost beats up on the desires of the here and now a bit too much... Still a very good literary piece though :) The essay turned out to be a pile of crap though :P Had no flow, no structure, and nothing to do with the poem whatsoever, lol. NRS, hope your teacher marks easy...
So once that was done, a few more phone calls, then we departed. Hit the GO station first, to make inquires about procedure, then get more contact numbers... then hit Jackson to grab a bite to eat... me being the genius I am, I get an end-of-the-day whopper... man oh man...
So yeah, we go uptown, up the mountain, to the Upper James Cineplex Odeon movie theatre. After a bit of dilemma on going back n renting etc... (we are so indecisive... guess we aren't getting any managerial positions in the future, lol) we decided on watching Click. So we get in... n pretty much all 4 of us fall asleep... again, a bit of a dilemma on whether to get a refund... but nah, we stayed... Was an alright movie really :D . Quite a bit on the vulgar side though... so not exactly high on my list of recommendations, but for a story in n of itself... it was nice... morally...
Oh yeah, during the movie, however... had to leave n hit the washroom... had to throw up all of that burger... man, was it nasty... lesson learned... no more of that kinda stuff that late into the day, lol. And then went to purchase a water bottle... $3.18 for a small Dasani !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, was kinda desperate, so ah well... no worries, rite?
So headed back after the movies... AP got off to go to her place, n me, AB n RZ headed to the girlies' place... chilled there for a bit, introduced RZ around, picked up thanga's stuff for her... (gotta remember to drop that off at her place) then walked back home. Talked a bit more to RZ... then figured out sleep n stuff... talked to AP, n left her to talk to CL (lol... 3 h14m? reason to smile indeed... sorry, thought u'd gone to bed...)
Talked to D for a bit :) After hearing quite a bit, it was awesome... stay that way in person please?
Lookin forward to Saturday :D
So its now Thursday July 13th...
Called the parcel delivery in Toronto for the Greyhound service... they're unwilling to deliver???????????? What the..... man... this is gonna get frustrating... ah well, day just started, I have no rights to complain... we'll see how the rest of today goes... hopefully it goes according to plan... lol, alright, time to plan...
Hmm... as closing comments, I'll use this as my scratchpad...
1) Meet up with AP
2) Figure out RZ's bag stuff
3) Figure out goin to T.O/Staying in the Hammer
4) Talk to D or the 2Ks about rendezvous times
5) Figure out finances
And as enjoyable as this was... I think its dragged on long enough eh?... 8 hours since I began... interspersed with everything else, hence the time length... I shall post a new one later today or in the early AM tomorrow. So watch out for that. And till then, I be adieu to you too.
Signing off,
Whispered Screams...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Memory in silence, and drawing to a close
So today was reminiscense, of a few beginnings, and several ends that weren't quite endings... that probably should have been.
Ah well, its drawn to a close... I pray.
Thank you...
Waiting for something, but I'll wait and watch for I know that its no longer mine to choose.
Ah man, absolutely nothing to do all day; easy to get lost in your memories when you're all that exists, or you centre your world with everything else going on around you... Not so easy when everyone wants you to be a part of their own little something... Can't wait to go back tomorrow just for the sake of drawing a few more breaths of fresh air than this.
Stroke of midnight...
Whilst I've got a moment to spare, I think I'll plan...
Ah well, its drawn to a close... I pray.
Thank you...
Waiting for something, but I'll wait and watch for I know that its no longer mine to choose.
Ah man, absolutely nothing to do all day; easy to get lost in your memories when you're all that exists, or you centre your world with everything else going on around you... Not so easy when everyone wants you to be a part of their own little something... Can't wait to go back tomorrow just for the sake of drawing a few more breaths of fresh air than this.
Stroke of midnight...
Whilst I've got a moment to spare, I think I'll plan...
- Ask AP bout Monday... hoping... :)
- Figure out finance tracks (G u really gotta freeze your lavish cravings for "products", bro)
- Request confirmation on rendezvous plans with... AB, Im, the 2Ks, G, and I think thats about it.
- Plan out trip times, tickets, routes etc...
- Contact eBay sellers.
- Contact the offices of all the institutions that I need to untangle myself from the messes I've created... and put on the charade best as I can...
Wish me luck... and for those of you who can, pray... not that the charade succeeds in and of itself, but that the circumstances serve the purpose of teaching me something...
I've really gotta stop being such a lean-on character...
Oh yeah, get to see Thanga today, more comp dirty work :D Well, hopefully it fits in with Hamilton return plans... we'll see.
Don't know about church tomorrow, but I'll make it somehow. Need it way more than I've ever realized... Need You more than I've ever realized...
And I just realized how scattered all of this is... I think its because I've kept aiming towards finishing this, but... yeah, lol.
Some things on my mind I shoud say now too.. (for those of you who are reading, might be a drag, so feel free to skip, lol)...
Don't really know about any of you, but ever wondered what leads us to the paths we pick for our futures? Maybe, maybe not?, Well think about this...
When we first begin to imagine what it is we want to do with the rest of our lives (and I'm discounting the early years when our favourite TV show hero was the preferred career/life goal), its the point where we really consider everything that the world has to offer... Yet within a split second of us glancing the wide array of choices in the world around us, the blocks start to come into place... Blocks placed by social norms, circumstances of growth, parental influences, friends' influences, etc... While the appearance of some of these blocks may be quick, some of it might be over time. With each progressing moment, a fewer number of these doors are left open for your choice. Yet our conscious minds don't fight to free the ones that are covered; the only dilemma that exists is choosing between the ones that ARE available. Even though in some cases the subconscious might win through, more often than not it doesn't succeed... rarely does it even break through to conscious realization. Ultimately, our path of least resistance ends up being what we become, in terms of our careers at least, and maybe in our lifestyles too. We may end up fighting for one of those choices in the end, but in most cases, it would probably be just in choosing one of the slightly deviant ones out of the doors left open... Perhaps to merely satisfy the rebel within us?
I realize that this must seem vague beyond belief, so here's my example...
I've always loved anything with a motor, particularly cars. I've also had a fascination with all aircraft. Yet, when I began to realize what the outside world held, I couldn't hold it all for more than a moment... Those doors appeared... for, upon any degree of serious consideration, even at that point, would I want to work as a garbage collector? A toll-booth attendant? A factory worker? Hence a lot of these smaller jobs were already beginning to be sealed off in my mind. As time went on, my parents, teachers, mentors, they all pointed me towards a goal by praising me, pointing out my strengths, moving me past my "weak areas" (academically), and so on and so forth. Hence, when it came down to it, I had my career choices all 'figured-out' when it came to choosing my higher-education options. My choices were mechanical engineering (or a technical variation thereof), doctor (my rebel choice, according to mother) and theologist (father's preferred tack). I attempted entering a track towards medical school, but mother wasn't for it, so I decided to please her and picked the engineering option. And then, post-secondary ed...
What I found interesting about university is that it amplifies the door concept. Guaranteed, they are to be considered places of higher learning... but lets be real, how many take the ivory-tower image to mind when choosing to enter university? To most, as it was/is to me, it is merely a step in career-furthering. I merely find it ironic that, at the end of the day, university still works with only those open doors, maybe opening a couple more in a similar vein, but leaving those that were firmly shut as they were. True, they do offer you the choice of not continuing, but how often does one allow oneself to take that choice? But I digress..
Something I believe I should've mentioned a while back: i was brought up in a conservative household with some set values on what the prescribed path of life should be for one up until around 25 years of age... university and the gaining of a degree being that final section. Any other path would be bordering on, if not be a declaration of, outright blasphemy. Lol.
On this note, a continuation of my story...
Through my own stupidities, I got myself on the borderline, where I was forced to consider other options... It was then that I revisited some of these locked doors and took a peak... as to a career path, a life choice... what was to stop me from obtaining a decent trade skill diploma or something that would allow me to earn some $$ in the outside world? Its a question I'm still asking...
Considering this... and revisiting my idea about how we're brought up... in my mind it seems like there's a double standard of sorts to this... Honing our skills to be used in the best possible way? Perhaps... Limiting our choices so we pick the already-decided ones? A weird train of thought...
So it raises the question... who's ultimately in charge of controlling all these choices? A preset mechanism? An active body? Or truly a collective mind capable of harmony and of creating a world of suitables and unsuitables?
If the founders of our cities didn't prescribe 'classes' of workers, would we be living as we do now? What would happen to garbage disposal? sewage disposal? etc...
Just think about it, and see if you can follow my mind... random as it seems...
... And I do believe I am in need of some rest now... I've stretched this over 2 and a half hours, and have let go and retake my train of thought at several points along this piece; I'm sure it doesn't flow, but I can't fix it... I don't know how to... any questions? please feel free to ask, or to leave a comment...
I am dead tired from doing nothing:S Hmm I wonder why... i gotta finish this...
Signing off,
Whispered Screams...
Friday, July 07, 2006
End of the day, crossing over to a memory...
AP, if you read this.... G...
A marked milestone in every way...
Mom... Dad... Argh...
Yearning to show them what I can do, not what I can't do... yet time n time again all I give them is incompetence n baseless rage...
Forgive me.... hopefully I learn to ask it...
Signing off...
A marked milestone in every way...
Mom... Dad... Argh...
Yearning to show them what I can do, not what I can't do... yet time n time again all I give them is incompetence n baseless rage...
Forgive me.... hopefully I learn to ask it...
Signing off...
*Yawn* 10:15 AM Wakeup, lol...
Well, 10:45 now and I'm up. Looks like Pirate plans just might go through :) We'll see...
I'm off.
Later.
DT plans next Sat with the K's :D.
Update....
Call off Pirate. Too many domestic issues apparently.
Guess I'll work on the application. Next year is going to be lengthy... and a charade... just so it doesn't hurt, I suppose.
We'll see...
I'm off.
Later.
DT plans next Sat with the K's :D.
Update....
Call off Pirate. Too many domestic issues apparently.
Guess I'll work on the application. Next year is going to be lengthy... and a charade... just so it doesn't hurt, I suppose.
We'll see...
After 3 days of silence
So 3 days of nothing. No Mulan or Darkfire. 3 days of... what exactly?
A couple reconnections, then...
I tried to recreate a dream that was never mine to bring to life entirely... I delved into it so far before I could realize this... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... It was never mine, only something His will would permit... I'm sorry for having taken it in my hands...
The past to blame? The present? To dream or not?
Prom... a few months shy of a year of yearning for one day ... to have it pass into obscurity eh?... Interesting enough twist. Moving past yearning... Funny how stuff can be that simply snatched away... Funny... someone asked me what I was gonna do the night of Thursday July 6th, 2006. A week ago, I had a set answer. Ah well... Rose... praying you had a beautiful time... pray that your dreams are the sweetest ones even right now...
I hate contradictions...
Back in Toronto, arrived last night. A trip lost in silence yet again. Brooding isn't the word, right? Right... thats all it seemed to be...
Pirates with the baby sis possibly =) we'll see what works out...
Hoping that this weekend is what I asked for it to be...
Signing off...
A couple reconnections, then...
I tried to recreate a dream that was never mine to bring to life entirely... I delved into it so far before I could realize this... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... It was never mine, only something His will would permit... I'm sorry for having taken it in my hands...
The past to blame? The present? To dream or not?
Prom... a few months shy of a year of yearning for one day ... to have it pass into obscurity eh?... Interesting enough twist. Moving past yearning... Funny how stuff can be that simply snatched away... Funny... someone asked me what I was gonna do the night of Thursday July 6th, 2006. A week ago, I had a set answer. Ah well... Rose... praying you had a beautiful time... pray that your dreams are the sweetest ones even right now...
I hate contradictions...
Back in Toronto, arrived last night. A trip lost in silence yet again. Brooding isn't the word, right? Right... thats all it seemed to be...
Pirates with the baby sis possibly =) we'll see what works out...
Hoping that this weekend is what I asked for it to be...
Signing off...
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
2 hour trip of silence...
Quiet ride back into Hamilton... TTC section slightly more conversational? Brooding, I suppose. Ah well... Lengthy weekend... 5 days of something that doesn't quite seem like home in its entirety becomes... not a drag... more, um, quiet, claustrophobic even, and perhaps just too much a part of everything left behind till its time to revisit again...
Its not time yet... wait a little longer is all I ask...
Wait and I promise to be ready... yet you won't listen. Ah well...
Have yet to step foot in the house. Still at AP's. Will go soon I guess. Class shall be the departure bell, I suppose.
So for today, the Mulan track? Or Darkfire...
I'll put up a sample soon. Hopefully its appreciated...
Till later then...
Its not time yet... wait a little longer is all I ask...
Wait and I promise to be ready... yet you won't listen. Ah well...
Have yet to step foot in the house. Still at AP's. Will go soon I guess. Class shall be the departure bell, I suppose.
So for today, the Mulan track? Or Darkfire...
I'll put up a sample soon. Hopefully its appreciated...
Till later then...
Lets begin... rise and shine........
Alright, 6:30 AM on Tuesday July 4th (happy independence day to all you yanks) and I'm gettin ready to head back to Hamilton with my angel...
Just something to get this started. I'll post more when I get there. I wonder if I have a reason for starthing this...
Later dudes n dudettes
Just something to get this started. I'll post more when I get there. I wonder if I have a reason for starthing this...
Later dudes n dudettes
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