The essense of the eclectic

This post is, quite literally, going to be all over the place. The reason for this is that, at this very moment, it is 4:40 AM on Monday, July 31, 2006, and I have way too many things on my mind that I want to get down. Generally, when writing one of these longer posts, I organize my thoughts on paper and then post them. Not so this time, hence the mess of thoughts below. Bear with me please.

First off, a little about the weekend.

Friday July 28th.

Following my day of revisitations, I had some interesting dreams. It was, in essense, a combinations of all things of the far past, the near past, the present, and more of the future as dreamed from each of those perspectives. So I got to wondering about the reason for my dreaming those dreams. What lay behind them is an intricate tapestry of overlapping thoughts and emotions that would take a lifetime of connections to unravel, but it made me realize what stuff dreams are really made of: air. Not the kind that exists as a breath but...

Think about it in this sense. Oxford Dictionary [the online edition, current as of July 31st] states the following as a definition for a dream:

"1 a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. 2 a cherished ambition or ideal; a fantasy. 3 informal someone or something perceived as wonderful or perfect."
(Now I suppose I could use proper citation, but I believe my mention of borrowed copyright should be sufficient.)

When we are but mewlings, we are taught that the thoughts and images that we apparently see and experience in our sleep are things of the imagination. Upon growing slightly older, we are then told that dreams are a replay mechanism of sorts, providing a deeper analysis of the events of the day. And then again, when we grow a little more older, we're told that the mind has the ability to project events of the past, the present and a predictively-constructed future and provide them as different scenarios in which the apparent 'self' can participate. A long-winded explanation? Certainly. Accurate? That, I suppose, would depend on one's personal experiences in this matter.

At some point in most of our lives, we recognize the existense of emotions towards certain individuals, generally in the same age class as us. Again, to satisfy everyone regarding this matter, I would have to present my readers with options such as gender preference, choice in the number of partners etc... (I'm not a supporter of most, perhaps, any, of these choices, but to each his/her own) but me being too lazy and unmotivated to do that, I'll just use cliche terminology. So we go through various phases; what these phases are vary from individual to individual, but for classification purposes I'll just call them pre-pubescent attraction (the 'crush'), infatuation (where one actually understands one's emotions) and the terminal... or what most of us define as 'love'...

I've dreamed all my life, about the childish fantasies regarding flying in a rocket ship, etc etc... Then I've dreamed about where education will take me (some parts realistic, some not so much). Yet the strangest and yet most whimsical and reality-tinged dreams have been the ones where I've shared it alongside someone...

Two people have made me dream these dreams. One of them taught me to dream them... yet every single dream seems to have just one common theme. What that is, I have yet to discover. Yes, dreams don't rule your life, but I don't know, time will tell...

To you, who gave me these, thank you... You've left me to dream alone, yet not so much... for I still see you there.

So then that night, I made it back to Scarborough, for some more family time. [Did I mention my cousins from England were here? I don't remember if I posted it earlier, and I'm too lazy to check]

Saturday, July 29th.

This day was, quite literally, crazy. The plan was to go to Mississauga to visit some relatives, more on my mother's side (and my aunt's, my mom's youngest sister). Organizing such a trip for 9 people is not an easy thing, particularly when two of those people are 7 and 8 years old respectively. MR and AT are NOT the easiest to handle; trust me on that. Yet, at the end, we left... to what turned out to be quite a blast :) . Dad rented a Dodge Caravan (nice to drive, I must say), and we made it there. My aunt has a nice pool in her backyard. Not terribly deep, yet nice. Didn't go in the water this time around, but it was a LOT of fun to watch the kids play around.

And here I should mention Pepper. She is the most incredible thing. A cross between an Australian shepherd and a husky, she's just beautiful. one floppy ear to add character, she is SUCH a poser, that puppy. A year and a half, and she's 60-something lbs. Big puppy. But Gawd, is she shy. It took her close to an hour to warm up to me, and that was WITH me giving her constant attention. Yet she wouldn't leave after. It was so much fun playing with her. I miss her, and I miss the complete abandon one can have in playing with a dog. No other care in the world. I can see why my cousin and his wife are so attached to her.

And my cousin. Yeah, KN, racer dude. Sweet 'stang Cobra. Vortech supercharger that whines a beautiful note. Not to mention the roughness of the ride. Powerhouse, that. And then there's his home theater. No, literally, home theater. 600-watt amplifier powering JBL LCRs and surrounds, and an active JBL dual-ported 100-watt sub to boot. And a 10.7 foot hi-definition screen. Nice :) Yeah he's got a projector and screen rigged. Talk about fun. Not to mention the plasma he's getting in the main room. Yeah, Planet of the Apes never looked so good.

Coming away from there was hard, but yeah, we made it back. And to bed, only to get up at 5 AM... to make sandwiches.

Sunday, July 30th.

So today... was Niagara day. Another mission. Won't go on much about it, just that it was beyond amazing. Yes, the sight itself does get somewhat wearisome when it becomes an annual ritual. but 3 each time with someone different makes it enjoyable all the more for it being a communal thing. And this was a rather interesting sight.


The day ended with me being back at Mac. It was fun... and now I think I'm ready for bed.

Signing off,

Whispered Screams

Revisiting...

[July 27th, 2006: A Thursday]

Today was different; then again it seems that every day that passes me by seems to have something outrageous, unique or notable about it. Yet maybe it was what ensued today that makes it worth writing about. Perhaps I'm writing this to preserve something, perhaps it is to hold onto a memory that must be let go. I don't know anymore, but I'm writing anyways.

I started out the day slipping into something that I vowed never to do again. This vow took me four years to resolve, a few tears to begin, and merely 21 days to break. Weak? I guess I am. I cannot believe that what took that long to hold to perfection I let slip in a matter of moments. To those involved, I am sorry. And to God, to whom I made this vow... all I can ask for is forgiveness, and the chance to let me use your strength and not just mine.

I remember my scripture verse again. Psalm 139:23-24. Please let me not forget it this time. Please.

The rest of the day passed by well enough. I grabbed some lunch with AP and then headed to class with her. I had to also make a payment on Thanga's behalf, courtesy of eBay (yet again). So class passed. After class I helped AP clear out her entire room for the necessary emigration brought on by the end of summer school coupled with the apparent doubts of housing for the regular school year. That was somewhat fun. Time-consuming, but fun. Said a goodnight and goodbye for the weekend, and left.

I spent the rest of the night watching Domino, the movie that cast Keira Knightley in a rolse as a bounty hunter. It isn't a movie I'd recommend by any standards.

While watching the movie, however, SU began to converse with me. It really had been a long time since any conversation had passed between us, comparatively at least. In essence, it wasn't anything more than passing around a few jokes, inquiring about what was happening in the here-and-now, but it was still more than a month's worth. Yet... at the end, words were said that leave me wondering, even now, what they mean. Not who they came from, nor the emotions and life behind them but just... the words themselves I guess. I'll get to that in a bit.

It slipped into the morning of July 28th, a Friday, and, as per a request, I attemped to call off of a calling card. The card wouldn't let me... and that was cut short. I cursed the card all day long to no avail. But it was pointless.

Such was my rather different day.

For all you readers out there, I apologize for this post being overly cryptic. I guess its because it contains some stuff that I really can't state in open words on an openly-accessible website. If you want to know or care about anything in this post, just contact me and I'll tell you. Though for those involved, I'm sure you can follow along with most, if not all, of it.

Till next time.

Signing off,

Whispered Screams

Enough is enough

Alright, so I realize that since July 15th, 2:56 AM, I haven't published a single post. The reason for this is that I've thought and rethought every line thats gone into the massive one I was about to publish. It factored in one too many people's feelings and emotions to the point where each time I'd open it, I'd revise the first few lines, move down, revise more... until the entire post began to stay stagnant, along with this blog. So I've decided to say that the past 2 weeks will stay only in my memory, or at least until I'm capable of forming some sort of order to it. So here's to starting again.

I'm tired right now and can't be bothered to really post anything significant, so I'll start tomorrow.

But for now, here are the lyrics to a song I can't stop playing over and over in my head. Why? I don't know. Maybe its subliminal, maybe its a recollection, or it just may be musical appreciation, but here it is.




Mr Brightside [The Killers - Hot Fuss]

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside

(repeat)

Signing off...

Whispered Screams

I detest this...

I just completed a post, of some length and some effort, and when attempting to publish, it crashed. And I lost it all...

And I have no motivation to rewrite.

To all you readers, I apologize. I'll make up for it. I promise.

D, 2K, plans still stand as is :)

AP... just a borrowed phrase...

God almighty...

Signing off,

Whispered Screams

So lets GO...

Alright, so going on from where I finished in the last post (considerin I finished it at 11 AM yesterday), I... didn't get any sleep, lol. Well, yesterday, at least.

Now that RZ's here, need to figure out what's happening with the bags, and then what we're gonna do with regards to vacationing. Gotta think up some things. Ah well, later. Hm.. after freshening up for the day, n getting my act together, I called AP to see how she was doing. Lol, so much for making it to class :P Slept in, was too comfy. Then told me what was on her mind... Decided to go over n talk to her for a bit... My stupidities affect her in themost dire ways... I am so sorry. I'd give anything to take every moment of it back. I really would.

So then managed to rouse RZ from his slumber, called the Greyhound terminal, learned that the bags were in T.O and that they were unwilling to deliver...??????????????????????????? Yeah, thats what they said, lol. Customer's fault, so customer should come pick up the bags. 610 Bay Street. Cool. So gonna go there with RZ today.

Headed over to AP's house. Thanga called on the way there... really glad how I'm able to talk to her so much now... :) Kinda missed what we shared before all this jazz. So talked with her all the way there. Then spent some time with AP, just thinking. Lol, then more of CL, lol. Was interesting conversation.

Then remembered that I was supposed to come home n get somethin for RZ, so picked up some shawarma from a place at the top of our street. The sign says Cedar. Inside its called Ghazi's. Weird. But the food's good, so meh. So picked up stuff, walked home, ate, had a serving of Chocolate fudge Crackle ice cream (I think it was a President's Choice product), then decided to head back to T.O, me, RZ and AP. So then a mad dash to get ready in the span of about 7 minutes, lol. Did it, then headed to the Emerson n Whitney HSR bus stop, boarded the 5E, n headed off, plannin to meet AP at the GO station. Then remembered that I NEED A JOB! So got off at the Taco Bell for a last-chance thing, handed it in, n then tried to catch the next bus... didn't work, lol. We missed 2 in a row, n AP beat us there. Figured we wouldn't make it in time, so we waited at an intermediate stop right in front of Jackson after some deliberation with AP. Managed to catch it, and had a decently interesting ride back to T.O.

Got back, suffered through AP's n RZ's little immaturities, lol. Then sent her off on the TTC, and walked all the way up Bay with RZ (some interesting sights... think we're gonna pretty much repeat that walk with D n the 2Ks come tomorrow). Got to Gerrard, and overshot Church to find the Neill-Wycik. Interesting. They turned a university dormitory into a summer backpacker's residence. Very cheap, but you literally get what you pay for. Communal shower for a unit, and a bed, and a desk. And BARELY enough room to walk in. Lol, it was interesting. So dropped RZ off and headed home. Took me till 10:30 to make it back. Was tiring, considering that the Compaq is quite literally a monster loadonmy back, and walking with it ain't an easy task. Regardless, made it back... loved coming home n seeing everyone. One of the few times I've felt that way.

Got rid of the travel grime, and then ate, and had a very cool 4-way MSN convo with D n 2K. Rendezvous set! 10:45 D, transfer machine, on top or leaning, lol. And 11:30 for all of us, at the coffee shop outside Bay station. Sweet!

Then had a conversation with CL. Very cool dude. Yeah AP, smile... he certainly makes you :). So, at 4 AM, decided to head to bed... beautiful dreamless sleep...

And I slept through my alarms...zzz...

And I am now LATE! Have to head over to thanga's, and the RZ's, n sort everything out.... Aaaa...

I'll post more later... n maybe have a somewhat more interesting day so as not to have to post every lil detail of the day in this blog, lol. Sorry to everyone who reads this for having to suffer thru it. Thanks anyways tho... lol.

Signing off,

Whispered Screams

Woah... that was a while... here's a compilation :P

Alright, so I haven't posted in nearly 4 days. Lol, surprise surprise? The daily thing was gonna wear out, you might've thought. Wel.... not quite... Its more like, more time away means all the more to write about :P. So here goes...

July 9th (The rest of it, past my 2 am soiree):
I failed in my attempt to try and make it to church. It meant more than just going for the sake of it, for worship, for teaching, for instruction... it was part of my reconnection after a LONG sabbatical. No matter... will fix that the instant I can. The verses that froze me though...

Psalm 139: 23-24...[NKJV]

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

Want to wake up to that every morning. I pray for that to be on my mind before everything else... always... my fiery test... my cleansing.

As for the rest of the day, a few subtopics...

TENNIS:
After a good Wimbledon season, Nadal vs. Federer was a beautiful match-up. After previous encounters on the Grand Slam circuit, during which Federer had to surrender his titles to the quicker Nadal, Wimbledon was Federer's turf (no pun intended... I mean it!). Impressive control: Federer won 6-0, 7-6, 6-7, 6-3. Was fun to watch:D Lets see how the rest goes. Also gotta keep an eye out for Baghdatis.Up and coming dude.

FOOTBALL/SOCCER:

Well... what can I say except... WHAT A FINAL! :S Eyes glued to the idiot box from start to finish; a... um.. unique finish at that... Zidane, dude! That was one VERY classy penalty at 7 minutes. And one heck of an attempt at a header later on. But... with that little skull bash that felled Materazzi at extra time with the cupjust 8 minutes away from you? What was really worth that?...

Best player in the world for a long time running... ironic, he even got the golden ball this time around. Ah well, gotta say though, I'd give anything to know exactly what was in his head at that moment. Wasn't impulse... Then again, comparing him to the likes of Eric Cantona (the fan-assaulting foot ball maestro who remains the Man-U legend, and who also hosted the Nike advertising set "Joga Bonito"), I'm guessing something must've snapped REALLY hard in his mind. What I'm glad about is that all of France & all of Zidane's fans have stuck by him. Respects, bro...

All said n don, amazing match. Italy, you claimed your cup well. Brathez, and all you French veterans, we'll miss you... hopefully France is back on its feet, back to the powerhouse it was/is, Lol, Euro Cup prelims... first match-up... Italy vs France???? Man...

Random insertion, but pertinent nonetheless... The slideshow compiled by the Rogers World Cup team was beautiful. Thanks for an awesome World Cup :D Never had to miss a minute of it (well, didn't have to, but did... ah well)

Well, thats a description of July 9th. Hmm... Do I continue with these extensive summaries og each day? Or should I cut to something shorter n sweeter, n save my space for something more like the rambling in the previous post?

...

Alright, I'll save the rambling for later but I'll just summarize the rest of the days best as I can.

So... Monday July 10th :D

First off, it was my lil cousin Aathavan's birthday. Lil dude turned 7... Remember when he was born... Was in London, England n took care of my aunt n everything... Awesome dude... far smarter than anyone his age should be. He can take anything you're arguing about n rip it to shreds, just by destroying the very reason you're arguing... yes he's only 7, lol.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AATHAVAN!

He's coming here July 22nd (Saturday) with his bro, Maiuran and my aunt n uncle :D. Should be a beautiful summer. I miss them... saw them last year but thats already too long... well, it seems a world away just because of... Grampa's passing...

I miss him so much...

Um, just a tad strange... Got a friend's hi5 profile open... they've got a music collection... um... Puff Daddy ft. Faith Evan: "I'll be missing you" just came on...

Ah man...

:)

So yeah, they're coming over for a couple weeks :D Gotta pull it together n make sure they have the most awesome time.

Past that... Oh yeah... Monday... Got up at 5:45 AM, which was weird... cuz I never expected to go to sleep at the first place, but now worries :) Made it to the GO station on time... just didn't realize that the trip time from Hamilton to T.O was extended by 20 minutes in the morning... and then a slower-than-usual subway/RT ride, all the way to Scarborough Town Centre... lol... we're all magnetically drawn to that... regardless of how much we try to repel ourselves from it. So went n met AB at the Civic centre to pick up the transcripts. Not too bad a procedure... just... seemed like such a waste of a day to end it at that n come back to Hamilton... but while I was waiting for the office to print out my transcript, I got an email from my friend BC... just brightened my day considerably :), so decided I'd meet her. So, a couple phone calls, and lo n behold! in an hour I was hangin out with ML and BC. Fun day :) Didn't really do much except follow them around their store circuit and help ML pick out a shirt, n attempt to find BC a purse... mission and a half, that... Didn't find anything in the end tho, so ah well. Then got a call from GP to pick up his eBay purchase $$. Sweet. now I had enough to send to Paypal n not go bankrupt, lol. So went n picked that up, bid adieu to the girlies, and thought of headin back to the Hammer. So I walked to the McCowan RT terminal... Walked into the second level, then found I had to take the stairs to the first level to enter the TTC-rider area, then had to climb up to the 3rd level to get to the RT platform... :S Very funny station, that... So I get inside... and guess what they have... lol.. an RT TRAFFIC JAM! Yeah... so the RT consists of trains that are entirely computer-controlled, right? So one breaks down at some point along the line, so it throws the entire system off... They had to switch the lines to manual control, so the driver could handle the throttle n all that jazz. So ended up waiting for half an hour for a train that usually has a frequency of about 2-4 minutes. The wait wasn't too bad though... As always, I was fascinated by the electronically-controlled switching system. Its impressive how they can get metal that must have high compression resistance to bend to exactly the amount they want, n the return to a more relaxed state, n not cause it to break... I want one of those switches :P Why? i don't know... I just think they're kewl... And cuz I wouldn't mind having a high-power, high-torque motor sitting around :P Ah well. Don't think the TTC will sell me theirs, so just gotta figure out where to get a new one. Save that for one of my very strange goals in life... hmm... the list grows...

So made it back, went to AP's place,was supposed to take her to watch Pirates, but both too tired, her outta boredom, me outta... travelling? Lack of sleep? Ah well, one of the two... so stayed with her for the rest of the night... talking bout the day, bout her living arrangement dilemma for the upcoming school year... not a bad end to a night :) so just came home n went straight to bed after... yes fully dressed, lol...

July 11th...

So woke up (again, after not too many slumber hours) and headed to the Hawk... dropped off the transcripts, inquired bout payment... blah de blah blah... then back to JACKSON... lol, that thing doesn't even deserve to be called a mall, but regardless, headed there, grabbed a couple bites, put in GP's $$ (only to come home n find my refund cheque sitting in my mailbox :S), then headed home, for a couple hours... then back to AP's to take her out to Pirates... decided she'd rather watch soaps first... BLECH! But yeah, lol, let her enjoy those... then headed out... MAN WAS IT AWESOME! Can't believe we have to wait a year for the release of the next one... Aw man... wanna watch it again... :D U wanna, D? Saturday?

Well, the rest of the day passed by alright... went to Mahal, grabbed a bit of food, came home, ate.. (still at AP's place), then went home n crashed again... was up in a couple, but those few minutes helped... Tried sorting out RZ's stayin here... didn't get too far, so decided it would be easier to do it in person...

Well, by now its technically Wednesday July 12th...

So I went out for a run... was pouring... but I needed it... felt good. Then came back, talked to RZ from the Buffalo/Niagara border... finalized meeting plans, then got ready, left to get to the GO station... found out he left a couple of his bags on the bus, lol... but yeah, brought him back to my place... then called AP over... it was a fun reunion through n through... should be good havin him around. Will figure out stuff to do over the next week...

But yeah, wasn't too bad for a first day.. Gloomy as heck, and pouring outside for a good part of the AM and the afternoon. So stayed in, introduced AB, spent a while talkin n workin on an essay for a friend... me n AB, that is... bout the poem "Sailing to Byzantium" by William Butler Yeats.. an interesting poem, but don't know if I agree with his comparisons... yes I agree that freeing the intellect from a sensual lifestyle is important for preservation... but seems that he almost beats up on the desires of the here and now a bit too much... Still a very good literary piece though :) The essay turned out to be a pile of crap though :P Had no flow, no structure, and nothing to do with the poem whatsoever, lol. NRS, hope your teacher marks easy...

So once that was done, a few more phone calls, then we departed. Hit the GO station first, to make inquires about procedure, then get more contact numbers... then hit Jackson to grab a bite to eat... me being the genius I am, I get an end-of-the-day whopper... man oh man...

So yeah, we go uptown, up the mountain, to the Upper James Cineplex Odeon movie theatre. After a bit of dilemma on going back n renting etc... (we are so indecisive... guess we aren't getting any managerial positions in the future, lol) we decided on watching Click. So we get in... n pretty much all 4 of us fall asleep... again, a bit of a dilemma on whether to get a refund... but nah, we stayed... Was an alright movie really :D . Quite a bit on the vulgar side though... so not exactly high on my list of recommendations, but for a story in n of itself... it was nice... morally...
Oh yeah, during the movie, however... had to leave n hit the washroom... had to throw up all of that burger... man, was it nasty... lesson learned... no more of that kinda stuff that late into the day, lol. And then went to purchase a water bottle... $3.18 for a small Dasani !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, was kinda desperate, so ah well... no worries, rite?

So headed back after the movies... AP got off to go to her place, n me, AB n RZ headed to the girlies' place... chilled there for a bit, introduced RZ around, picked up thanga's stuff for her... (gotta remember to drop that off at her place) then walked back home. Talked a bit more to RZ... then figured out sleep n stuff... talked to AP, n left her to talk to CL (lol... 3 h14m? reason to smile indeed... sorry, thought u'd gone to bed...)

Talked to D for a bit :) After hearing quite a bit, it was awesome... stay that way in person please?

Lookin forward to Saturday :D

So its now Thursday July 13th...

Called the parcel delivery in Toronto for the Greyhound service... they're unwilling to deliver???????????? What the..... man... this is gonna get frustrating... ah well, day just started, I have no rights to complain... we'll see how the rest of today goes... hopefully it goes according to plan... lol, alright, time to plan...

Hmm... as closing comments, I'll use this as my scratchpad...

1) Meet up with AP
2) Figure out RZ's bag stuff
3) Figure out goin to T.O/Staying in the Hammer
4) Talk to D or the 2Ks about rendezvous times
5) Figure out finances

And as enjoyable as this was... I think its dragged on long enough eh?... 8 hours since I began... interspersed with everything else, hence the time length... I shall post a new one later today or in the early AM tomorrow. So watch out for that. And till then, I be adieu to you too.

Signing off,

Whispered Screams...

Memory in silence, and drawing to a close

So today was reminiscense, of a few beginnings, and several ends that weren't quite endings... that probably should have been.

Ah well, its drawn to a close... I pray.

Thank you...

Waiting for something, but I'll wait and watch for I know that its no longer mine to choose.

Ah man, absolutely nothing to do all day; easy to get lost in your memories when you're all that exists, or you centre your world with everything else going on around you... Not so easy when everyone wants you to be a part of their own little something... Can't wait to go back tomorrow just for the sake of drawing a few more breaths of fresh air than this.

Stroke of midnight...

Whilst I've got a moment to spare, I think I'll plan...

• Ask AP bout Monday... hoping... :)
• Figure out finance tracks (G u really gotta freeze your lavish cravings for "products", bro)
• Request confirmation on rendezvous plans with... AB, Im, the 2Ks, G, and I think thats about it.
• Plan out trip times, tickets, routes etc...
• Contact eBay sellers.
• Contact the offices of all the institutions that I need to untangle myself from the messes I've created... and put on the charade best as I can...

Wish me luck... and for those of you who can, pray... not that the charade succeeds in and of itself, but that the circumstances serve the purpose of teaching me something...

I've really gotta stop being such a lean-on character...

Oh yeah, get to see Thanga today, more comp dirty work :D Well, hopefully it fits in with Hamilton return plans... we'll see.

Don't know about church tomorrow, but I'll make it somehow. Need it way more than I've ever realized... Need You more than I've ever realized...

And I just realized how scattered all of this is... I think its because I've kept aiming towards finishing this, but... yeah, lol.

Some things on my mind I shoud say now too.. (for those of you who are reading, might be a drag, so feel free to skip, lol)...

Don't really know about any of you, but ever wondered what leads us to the paths we pick for our futures? Maybe, maybe not?, Well think about this...

When we first begin to imagine what it is we want to do with the rest of our lives (and I'm discounting the early years when our favourite TV show hero was the preferred career/life goal), its the point where we really consider everything that the world has to offer... Yet within a split second of us glancing the wide array of choices in the world around us, the blocks start to come into place... Blocks placed by social norms, circumstances of growth, parental influences, friends' influences, etc... While the appearance of some of these blocks may be quick, some of it might be over time. With each progressing moment, a fewer number of these doors are left open for your choice. Yet our conscious minds don't fight to free the ones that are covered; the only dilemma that exists is choosing between the ones that ARE available. Even though in some cases the subconscious might win through, more often than not it doesn't succeed... rarely does it even break through to conscious realization. Ultimately, our path of least resistance ends up being what we become, in terms of our careers at least, and maybe in our lifestyles too. We may end up fighting for one of those choices in the end, but in most cases, it would probably be just in choosing one of the slightly deviant ones out of the doors left open... Perhaps to merely satisfy the rebel within us?

I realize that this must seem vague beyond belief, so here's my example...

I've always loved anything with a motor, particularly cars. I've also had a fascination with all aircraft. Yet, when I began to realize what the outside world held, I couldn't hold it all for more than a moment... Those doors appeared... for, upon any degree of serious consideration, even at that point, would I want to work as a garbage collector? A toll-booth attendant? A factory worker? Hence a lot of these smaller jobs were already beginning to be sealed off in my mind. As time went on, my parents, teachers, mentors, they all pointed me towards a goal by praising me, pointing out my strengths, moving me past my "weak areas" (academically), and so on and so forth. Hence, when it came down to it, I had my career choices all 'figured-out' when it came to choosing my higher-education options. My choices were mechanical engineering (or a technical variation thereof), doctor (my rebel choice, according to mother) and theologist (father's preferred tack). I attempted entering a track towards medical school, but mother wasn't for it, so I decided to please her and picked the engineering option. And then, post-secondary ed...

What I found interesting about university is that it amplifies the door concept. Guaranteed, they are to be considered places of higher learning... but lets be real, how many take the ivory-tower image to mind when choosing to enter university? To most, as it was/is to me, it is merely a step in career-furthering. I merely find it ironic that, at the end of the day, university still works with only those open doors, maybe opening a couple more in a similar vein, but leaving those that were firmly shut as they were. True, they do offer you the choice of not continuing, but how often does one allow oneself to take that choice? But I digress..

Something I believe I should've mentioned a while back: i was brought up in a conservative household with some set values on what the prescribed path of life should be for one up until around 25 years of age... university and the gaining of a degree being that final section. Any other path would be bordering on, if not be a declaration of, outright blasphemy. Lol.

On this note, a continuation of my story...

Through my own stupidities, I got myself on the borderline, where I was forced to consider other options... It was then that I revisited some of these locked doors and took a peak... as to a career path, a life choice... what was to stop me from obtaining a decent trade skill diploma or something that would allow me to earn some $$ in the outside world? Its a question I'm still asking...

Considering this... and revisiting my idea about how we're brought up... in my mind it seems like there's a double standard of sorts to this... Honing our skills to be used in the best possible way? Perhaps... Limiting our choices so we pick the already-decided ones? A weird train of thought...

So it raises the question... who's ultimately in charge of controlling all these choices? A preset mechanism? An active body? Or truly a collective mind capable of harmony and of creating a world of suitables and unsuitables?

If the founders of our cities didn't prescribe 'classes' of workers, would we be living as we do now? What would happen to garbage disposal? sewage disposal? etc...

Just think about it, and see if you can follow my mind... random as it seems...

... And I do believe I am in need of some rest now... I've stretched this over 2 and a half hours, and have let go and retake my train of thought at several points along this piece; I'm sure it doesn't flow, but I can't fix it... I don't know how to... any questions? please feel free to ask, or to leave a comment...

I am dead tired from doing nothing:S Hmm I wonder why... i gotta finish this...

Signing off,

Whispered Screams...

End of the day, crossing over to a memory...

AP, if you read this.... G...

A marked milestone in every way...

Mom... Dad... Argh...

Yearning to show them what I can do, not what I can't do... yet time n time again all I give them is incompetence n baseless rage...

Forgive me.... hopefully I learn to ask it...

Signing off...

*Yawn* 10:15 AM Wakeup, lol...

Well, 10:45 now and I'm up. Looks like Pirate plans just might go through :) We'll see...

I'm off.

Later.

DT plans next Sat with the K's :D.

Update....

Call off Pirate. Too many domestic issues apparently.

Guess I'll work on the application. Next year is going to be lengthy... and a charade... just so it doesn't hurt, I suppose.

We'll see...

After 3 days of silence

So 3 days of nothing. No Mulan or Darkfire. 3 days of... what exactly?

A couple reconnections, then...

I tried to recreate a dream that was never mine to bring to life entirely... I delved into it so far before I could realize this... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... It was never mine, only something His will would permit... I'm sorry for having taken it in my hands...

The past to blame? The present? To dream or not?

Prom... a few months shy of a year of yearning for one day ... to have it pass into obscurity eh?... Interesting enough twist. Moving past yearning... Funny how stuff can be that simply snatched away... Funny... someone asked me what I was gonna do the night of Thursday July 6th, 2006. A week ago, I had a set answer. Ah well... Rose... praying you had a beautiful time... pray that your dreams are the sweetest ones even right now...

I hate contradictions...

Back in Toronto, arrived last night. A trip lost in silence yet again. Brooding isn't the word, right? Right... thats all it seemed to be...

Pirates with the baby sis possibly =) we'll see what works out...

Hoping that this weekend is what I asked for it to be...

Signing off...

2 hour trip of silence...

Quiet ride back into Hamilton... TTC section slightly more conversational? Brooding, I suppose. Ah well... Lengthy weekend... 5 days of something that doesn't quite seem like home in its entirety becomes... not a drag... more, um, quiet, claustrophobic even, and perhaps just too much a part of everything left behind till its time to revisit again...

Its not time yet... wait a little longer is all I ask...

Wait and I promise to be ready... yet you won't listen. Ah well...

Have yet to step foot in the house. Still at AP's. Will go soon I guess. Class shall be the departure bell, I suppose.

So for today, the Mulan track? Or Darkfire...

I'll put up a sample soon. Hopefully its appreciated...

Till later then...

Lets begin... rise and shine........

Alright, 6:30 AM on Tuesday July 4th (happy independence day to all you yanks) and I'm gettin ready to head back to Hamilton with my angel...

Just something to get this started. I'll post more when I get there. I wonder if I have a reason for starthing this...

Later dudes n dudettes