What now?

Its been a while since I've posted. And yes, I know, I could make the promises to turn this more frequent and attempt a steadier stream of thoughts and events for your reading pleasure and for my own sanity.

Or not.

Fact: I had a good weekend. I went to Ottawa with my friends for a weekend trip involving whitewater rafting and just having a good time in general. I needed the break.

Fact: I'm terrified of my past. I hate the things I've done but, regardless of that, I can't change them. Consequences can go too far, can't they...

Fact: I'm scared of change. I'd like to blame a lot of my inactivity and unwillingness to change/better myself on my lack of motivation to inject any effort. But I can't. The fact is, I'm scared of losing something to gain something else. Even though some of the things I have in life right now aren't things I acquired of my own power or effort or asking, it seems like trading them up (or rather, the possibility of losing them in exchange for what I want to get) is too hard a choice. Its too innate a fear when it comes to me. I don't know why.

I wish I could improve myself. Maybe I can. I have a plan. But then again, I've had several. What's going to make this one any different? Maybe its that I have no excuses or way-outs this time.

I'm sorry D darling, if I'm the cause of all this. I love you.

To the rest of you, thanks for sticking with me. I hope I can have something more positive to post the next time I return. Feel free to contact me when you wish.

JDR